


we get [what we deserve]

by onefootonego (startingXI)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Canon Typical Violence, F/F, Gen, Minor Alex Danvers/Maggie Sawyer, TW: Blood, TW: Flashbacks, TW: Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-16 17:55:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16500029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startingXI/pseuds/onefootonego
Summary: “stop!” an armed guard shouts.kara turns to face him “or what?” she asks, watching his finger twitch on the trigger.she catches the bullet, dropping it to the ground “you’re going to shoot me?” she shakes her head “you can try, but you won’t hurt me, not even a little bit.” she is feet from the man now, his bullets bouncing off her and hitting the floor with echoing clangs “tell me where they’re keeping agent danvers.”





	1. prologue

lucy parks her bike in front of the catco building at three past seven and kara heard her coming from a mile away. on any other occasion, when she hears lucy coming, kara will pack up her things and leave and meet lucy in the foyer of the building. however tonight kara is sat back in her desk staring at a half a page of an article she needed to finish an hour ago. she tracks lucy parking her bike and flashing fbi identification to the security guard as an excuse to not get towed.

that brazenness of that alone has kara smiling.

standing from her desk, kara moves away from her computer and towards the door, beyond which the bank of elevators lay. at this time the bullpen is still relatively full, people kara has come to know well and some who are still strangers are sitting at computers or on the phone. they heed her little mind as she weaves her way through them, making her way to the door.

it’s been nearly three months of her new job and kara’s not sure how much she enjoys it.

she still feels new and not good enough and –

the elevator doors slide open and out steps lucy.

she is, as ever, a sight for sore eyes. dressed in tactical gear and a leather jacket kara can’t help but swoon just a little bit at the sight “hey,” she says with a smile “you’re right on time.”

“oh really?” lucy says, stepping forward and pulling kara into a quick kiss “what for?”

“i’m going to throw my computer out the window.”

“oh, are you now?” lucy says “is that how they’re getting you to write news these days?”

“no,” kara grumbles, leading lucy back towards her desk “but this article is getting on my nerves.”

she collapses back in her chair and feels lucy snake an arm around her shoulders “so how about this,” lucy says “we go for a ride, then it’s take-away and movies at mine.”

“but this was due an hour ago.” kara points out.

“you need a break.” lucy argues “you’ve been working so hard lately.”

it’s not much harder to persuade kara to pack up her stuff and follow lucy out of the building. the cool night air is a relief against her skin and the fact that lucy insists she wears a helmet, even though it’s not needed, charms kara further. she hitches the straps on her backpack tighter and then straddles the bike, wrapping her arms around lucy’s waist.

she loves this part of the night. the rare time where they go out and ride, sometimes each on their own bike, sometimes just on one. it’s a thrill, feeling lucy weave through the city and kara being able to just, close her eyes and let the world spin around them. tonight, there’s extra tension in lucy’s back and her heart is racing just a little bit faster.

kara wonders if it’s something work related, there seems to be a never-ending list of stressors coming from the deo, namely, paperwork. she makes a note to ask later, when they’re home and settled and not going eighty onto the highway.

instead, kara enjoys the moment. the adrenaline not from the danger, but from sharing this with lucy. it’s not that kara hasn’t shared a ride before,

she and alex have done it for years. yet it carries a different purpose.

for kara and lucy, riding is,

well,

today it seems to be their mode of transportation home. on other nights it’s a way to decompress, together. sometimes they escape into the desert and sit on the side of the road talking until the moon is high in the sky. those are the nights kara likes best. when it’s just her and lucy and the world moving on around them.

*

lucy’s apartment is darkened but stepping into is much like coming home for kara. she’s familiar with the curves and edges. she knows lucy likes to put their keys in a bowl by the door and their coats on a pair of hooks on the wall, but that bike helmets go on the shelf under the bowl of keys. she knows lucy likes to walk through her apartment in the dark first, soaking up the silence of her space. most of all though, kara knows lucy likes to turn and kiss her.

this is a proper kiss, not the work appropriate peck on the cheek and kara melts into it. she brings her hands to lucy’s hips, pulling her close.

something feels different about lucy’s kiss, more rushed, more urgent so kara pulls back “hey,” she says softly “everything okay?”

lucy takes a breath, one kara recognises. it’s usually followed with

“i’m fine.” said gently, said hesitantly.

kara brings a finger to lucy’s jaw and the touch is not demanding, it’s soft and concerned “you sure?” kara asks.

lucy lets out a long breath, “yeah,” she says “i just need to shower.”

kara doesn’t believe her but she presses a kiss to lucy’s cheek “you go do that.” she says, “and can you check how much shampoo i have left?”

“i can.” lucy agrees, her fingers trailing along kara’s waist as she steps back, disappearing into the darkness of the apartment.

kara collapses onto the couch, glad for how soft it is. glad to be home.

she hears the water start, and she reaches for her backpack, knowing she needs to get some work done. to do that, she needs light. so kara stands and she weaves her way through the apartment to the switches. she flips two, turns one off, then turns a third on, settling on low lighting.

on her way back, the papers are just,

sitting there.

at first, kara pays them no mind because lucy has an incredible talent for amassing piles of paperwork. it’s a habit that started in her office at the deo and has spread across into her apartment. kara long since learned to move things carefully, and peek at them frequently. the latter is perhaps not her best habit, but she enjoys keeping up with the deo gossip this way. not that lucy often takes home paperwork relating to gossip. usually kara ends up flipping through budget reports and upcoming testimony for senate committee hearings and other such boring bureaucratic business. 

tonight, kara expected much the same.

at first, she pays no mind to the papers, instead, settling herself on the couch underneath a throw blanket she brought to lucy’s after their second date. she’s pulled up work on her laptop while lucy showers. it’s kara’s latest article for catco, and there’s something about lucy’s apartment that kara has always found conducive to getting work done.

of course, there are times when getting work done is the last thing she’s concerned about. at the moment she’s somewhere in the middle between the two. she’s typing away until lucy gets done in the shower and they continue date night chess.

it’s only when kara gets up, sometime after the water has cut, that she notices the papers a second time. she’s standing in the kitchen, seeing their dishes on the drying rack that need to be put away, and pulling the fridge door open. doing so creates some sort of draught and behind her, kara hears the stirring and rustling of papers sliding off their perch. with lightening-speed she turns, catching them in a hand.

she stays like that for a beat, stretched between the fridge and the papers, each held with a hand. she’s proud of herself in the way that she wants to turn around and see lucy, dressed down in one of kara’s t-shirts and sweatpants grinning at her. at the back of the apartment kara can hear lucy getting dressed and knows her moment of acrobatics will go unnoticed. it doesn’t bother her, instead kara takes a moment to look at the papers and –

and the fridge door shuts with a thwump.

kara’s mouth goes dry, her heart starts thumping against her ribs.

she doesn’t breathe.

“lucy,” she calls out and her voice wavers in the air.

that alone is enough to have lucy emerging into the joint living room – kitchen with concern in her furrowed brows “what’s- “she starts, fingers playing at the hem of an old hoodie of kara’s, and then she registers what’s in kara’s hands, and “wrong?” trails off into a quiet moment of understanding.

“are they yours?” kara asks, frozen to the spot.

lucy swallows hard “kara i – “

“tell me they’re not yours.” kara pleads.

“i can’t do that.” lucy tells her, taking a step closer.

kara takes a step back, a step closer to the door “so they’re yours?” kara looks down at the deployment papers again and she can see lucy’s name there, clear as anything.

“yes.” lucy replies “i- i was going to tell you.”

kara’s eyes widen and even with the impending heartbreak barrelling for her, as she looks up and looks at lucy, her heart stops. her heart stops because even now lucy, dressed down, is so gorgeous kara aches with it.

“when?” is the only question kara can ask “lucy when were you going to tell me? these are for _tomorrow_.”

“i know.” lucy says “i know they are.”

“so, when,” kara asks “when were you going to tell me?”

“tonight.” lucy says “tonight. i was, i – i didn’t know how.”

kara doesn’t know what to say. she knows what she wants to do. she wants to wake up and have this all be a terrible dream. she wants to crumple the paper or rip it to shreds. she wants lucy to explain that these belong to someone else, some other lucy lane. except –

“what about the deo?” kara asks.

“i resigned yesterday.” lucy says quietly.

“yesterday?” kara chokes.

“i’m sorry.” lucy says “i didn’t – “

“didn’t what?”

“didn’t know how to tell you.”

kara shakes her head “where are you going?” but she already knows the answer.

“i can’t tell you.”

“how long will you be gone?”

“i can’t tell you.”

kara doesn’t want to cry, but there are tears in her eyes and her heart is on the kitchen floor, shattered and splintered “when did they ask you?”

“two weeks ago.”

“and you never thought to mention?” kara bites “not once?”

“how was i supposed to tell you?” lucy asks “how could i tell you that i wanted to go.”

kara’s eyes widen “you, you want this?”

“not, not this.” lucy gestures between them “not you finding out like this. not seeing you upset. but,” she looks at the deployment papers “but that, to go back, to make a difference somewhere, i wanted that.”

“the deo wasn’t enough?”

“it’s not that –“ lucy tries to explain “it was paperwork and meetings and i know all that matters, but this, where i’m going to go, i can do good.”

“you were doing good here.” kara’s not sure why she even says the words, she knows they won’t change the fact that lucy is leaving,

leaving her.

“i’m sorry.” lucy says softly, taking a step forward “kara, i’m sorry. i really am.”

kara steps back again, she takes a deep, controlling breath “so am i.” she says, looking at the papers, then over at lucy “i hope you’re happy, wherever you end up. i hope you stay safe. i hope,” her voice cracks “i hope you stay alive.”

“kara- “there are tears in lucy’s eyes to match kara’s now.

“but you chose this without me. you didn’t ask me, you didn’t talk to me and i,” kara swallows hard, taking a soft breath “i hope it makes you happy. i hope you make a difference.”

“kara-“ lucy’s voice is wavering thin “kara, please.”

kara shakes her head, she takes one last look at lucy and see’s lucy looking back at her, eyes wide “goodbye.” kara says quietly, and then fumbling at the front door, pulling it open. 

she does not look back, no matter how much she wants to.

[leaving makes kara ache, it tears her apart with every step she takes. she wants to turn around, she wants to pull lucy into her arms and promise that they will be alright.]

[kara does not do that]

**


	2. chapter one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a shot rings out on the quiet street and alex is hauling maggie backwards, behind her. they’re both dressed down, no bullet proof vests, no helmets, no nothing. yet they’re both slipping into work mode. except for one thing,
> 
> the aching in maggie’s stomach.
> 
> it’s a funny feeling and she looks down, realising a second too late that looking was a bad idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: canon typical violence, blood.

summer in national city is something special. alex isn’t sure if summer everywhere across the country descends across cities and strongholds and rural towns like some sort of contagious burst of freedom. either way, she doesn’t care all that much. tonight, the sun is low in the sky, casting oranges and pinks chasing the horizon. the air is warm, and the citizens of the city are out in full force. in the distance she can hear the roar of those at the baseball game. near the waterfront she knows there’s a music festival opening tonight, and between the two there’s a city alive. hundreds of thousands of people on their way to one place or another, and alex only cares about one of them right now.

“hey pretty lady.” a familiar voice murmurs, arms wrapping around alex’s shoulders and a kiss being pressed into the soft space behind her ear “you’re a sight for sore eyes.”

alex breaks into a smile and turns her cheek into the next kiss “as are you.” she murmurs, closing her book with a hand.

maggie is standing behind the bench, still in her work clothes but looking radiant. tonight is the beginning of a rare weekend off. no vacation days used, no favours called in. a miracle really.

“how was your day?” alex asks, standing and slipping her book and water bottle into her bag before maggie steals it and slings it over her own shoulders.

“good.” maggie says “long. made an arrest in that case of the serial break-ins to the labs downtown.”

“good arrest?”

maggie shrugs “nothing good about it.” she says “just a couple of kids. alien kids fresh to earth. needed some chemical to aid in their digestion, found it in the labs.”

“so, they stole it.”

“yeah.” maggie says “and now they’re going to prison.” she sighs “but that’s work, and this is not work. this is our time to talk about not work stuff. like where you’re taking me to dinner.”

“oh, it’s where i’m taking you to dinner is it?”

“not all of us have had the day off.” maggie teases “how about you, what did you get up to?”

“you will be proud of me,” alex declares, finding maggie’s hand and threading their fingers together “i went to yoga.”

“all on your own?” maggie grins “i am impressed.”

“you can say you told me so,” alex says “but it helps, with my knees and my shoulder and my back and, you know, all my injuries.”

“i’m glad.” maggie says, squeezing alex’s hand “and i did tell you so.”

“there it is.” alex says “to think i was going to take you to that new vegan food-hall tonight, but if you’re going to be so mean-“

maggie smirks and kisses alex’s shoulder “don’t lie, you like it when i’m mean.”

the tips of alex’s ears redden “right you may be.” she says, “but we are in public.”

maggie smirks “that could change.”

alex laughs “oh please, when was the last time you ate?”

maggie frowns thinking “eleven-ish?”

“right.” alex says “we’re definitely getting food. if we don’t, you’d tie me to the bed and then leave to go get a snack.”

“i wouldn’t leave.” maggie counters “i’d probably put a pizza in the oven though.”

“exactly. we’re getting food. then,” she lets her voice drop once more “if you really want to tie me to the bed, you’re more than welcome.”

“maybe i want to see how flexible you’re getting, now that you’re doing yoga.”

alex laughs “whatever you want sawyer, tonight i’m all yours.”

“you’re always all mine.” maggie counters.

“in that,” alex agrees, “you are not wrong.” 

maggie lets out a pleased hum and adjusts her grip on alex’s hand. they lapse into a comfortable silence, weaving through the crowded streets of friday night national city. it seems that alex knows where she’s going – leading maggie without gps. their destination is one that maggie has been eyeing for a while. a pop-up vegan festival of sorts. a variety of vegan food stalls from across the country, all hawking their products. the coverage in catco magazine said it was one of the best displays of vegan food as enjoyable fast food that had graced the cities culinary scene.

the brightly coloured food trucks and emerge as they come around the corner “i’m going to eat so much.” maggie says, breaking into a smile.

“oh, i know you are.” alex agrees “strong chance even kara could find something she likes here.”

“oh, she did.” maggie says “apparently she got an invite to the opening night from the reporter who covered it for time-out national city.”

“like an invite or a date?” alex asks.

maggie shrugs “she didn’t say, but apparently he was cute, and the night went well.” there’s a beat and then “it’s the first time she’s been out since,”

“since lucy.” alex finishes, her tone noticeably darker.

on the one hand, she is thrilled that kara is back in the dating game.

on the other, alex still remembers with crystal clarity kara showing up at her door. she remembers kara not shaking and crying, rather silent and still and small. the tears came later, but first kara burrowed herself next to alex, not eating, barely drinking, simply sitting, staring. alex remembers being so panicked, so unsure that she almost sent a text to lucy, asking if something had happened.

kara had stopped alex before it got to that point.

and if alex’s honest, she still wants to kill lucy lane just a little bit.

“it’s a good thing.” maggie reminds, cutting through the ramble in alex’s head.

“it is.” alex agrees “i just,” she sighs “you remember how kara was, after lucy”

“i do.” maggie agrees, “but this means kara is moving on. moving past that.”

alex sighs “i just don’t want her hurt again.”

maggie tugs at alex’s hand, pulling her in for a kiss “i know.” she says “and kara knows. but right now kara is happy, and i’m hungry.”

“well if you’re hungry,” alex says, taking the change of topic “then let’s find you some food. if i remember correctly that food truck you love from chicago is here. somewhere.”

“we should definitely find that one first.” maggie says, “i want you to try their pulled pork sandwich.”

“you’re getting my hopes up calling it pork.”

“i promise you’ll enjoy it.” maggie says.

“jackfruit is not pork.” alex points out, willingly allowing herself to be led through the crowd.

“but it’s so tasty.”

“i think tasty is an overstatement.” alex says “i just don’t get why there is so much focus on the meat substitutes. like, just give me great vegan foods without reminding me of the pulled pork sandwich i could be having.”

maggie nods “you have a point,” she says “and it’s a good one, but indulge me. please?”

alex doesn’t need to look over at maggie sense the puppy dog eyes maggie is flashing her “for you,” alex says “i will enjoy the imposter sandwich.”

maggie just beams, dimples out in full force and alex’s heart skips a beat.

*

they walk home, hand in hand, because they can. the world is darkening around them but still the streets are full. the noise of the city drifts with them, music spilling out onto the sidewalks from the bars they pass. people walk in twos and threes and more, laughing and raucous in the best of ways. the city seems lighter than it has been in months, and both alex and maggie seem to revel in it.

as they move away from the hub of activity in downtown, and towards slightly less crowded paths, their conversation drifts away from the merits of vegan food and towards what to do about their upcoming lease renewal period.

“moving is such a pain though.” maggie points out.

“we need a place with more walls.” alex counters “i love our space, i do, but when i moved in, before i met you, i wasn’t exactly preoccupied with having a life.”

“and now?”

alex looks over at her “and now i have a life, you know that. and maybe some walls and a spare room would do us some good. maybe somewhere pet friendly.”

“you thinking about adopting streaky?”

alex snorts “mhm, right. in what lifetime?”

maggie laughs “maybe he’d warm up to you then.”

“no, i think that’s called stockholm syndrome.” alex points out “i was thinking, maybe getting a cat of our own. i know we’re both more dog people, but the housing market is a nightmare right now and an apartment is more convenient for the both of us, so…” she trails off.

they round a corner onto a much quieter block, away from the pulsing veins of the city.

“i could be persuaded.” maggie concedes “i like the idea of having a pet to come home to. someone to keep an eye on the house.”

“exactly.” alex agrees.

what happens next, after a block and a half of comfortable silence, is chaos. the first thing maggie sees is a man stepping out of a corner store, a plastic grocery bag around one wrist and a fold of bills in his hand. the next thing she sees is a man stepping out from the shadows. it’s a scene that happens a hundred times a day, but something strikes maggie about the man, about his stance and his walk and

“oh shit.” she says “alex he’s got a gun.”

which is true, this man, pale skin, short cut blond hair, dressed all in black, is holding a gun in his right hand. maggie clocks it quickly, notes his appearance, a lack of visible tattoos. she can see the way he’s moving that he’s professional, not some streeter looking for an easy score. she’s watching this as he’s raising the gun in said hand, levelling it for the man with the grocery bag.

it’s all too quickly to be stopped.

a shot rings out on the quiet street and alex is hauling maggie backwards, behind her. they’re both dressed down, no bullet proof vests, no helmets, no nothing. yet they’re both slipping into work mode. except for one thing,

the aching in maggie’s stomach.

it’s a funny feeling and she looks down, realising a second too late that looking was a bad idea.

“shit.” she says “shit. shit. shit.”

she’s been shot.

maggie’s been shot before, a lot like this in fact. except this was a stranger with no message to bear.

it hurts just the same.

alex hears maggie’s string of curses and alex’s eyes go wide. maggie sees, the way alex’s whole attention is turned to her, even as the street descends into chaos. she’s bending down and slipping out of her jacket. she is pressing it against maggie’s stomach and she’s saying “hold this there. put as much pressure as you can.”

maggie nods. she knows the drill. yet this feels different, feels worse somehow, and not because of the pain. which is a scary enough thought in itself, so maggie distracts herself away from the possibility of impending death and watches the shooter flee.

alex, in the same motion as she stands, is pressing the button on her watch, the button that connects her directly with kara, with –

it takes ten seconds, maybe less before supergirl lands before them with enough force to make the ground shake. like most times, maggie is incredibly relieved to see the girl of steel. if only because her presence tends to strike fear into the heart of ne’re-do-wellers. this time however there is a more specific reason, namely an awful lot of blood seeping through her hands and it’s worrying. the way alex has gone even more pale, is worrying. the way alex is lingering near maggie and not chasing down a gunman, is worrying.

“i’ve got them.” alex says, gesturing in the direction said gunman fled after realising he missed his target “get her to a hospital.”

“are-“ supergirl starts, but alex does not give her space to finish.

“she needs it.” alex says in the way that really means

_she could die._

and maggie believes her.

she feels cold, really cold all of a sudden. she’s aware of the world moving around her, but she feels disconnected from it all.

“are you even armed?” supergirl asks.

“i’ll be fine. back up is minutes away.” alex reassures, “take her.”

there’s a moment, where alex glances down at maggie. where their eyes meet and maggie sees the brave face alex is putting on,

and for the first time in a long time,

maggie is scared.

then alex is turning and she’s running and maggie can hear her communicating through the watch with the deo team on standby for the night. maggie wonders what she’s saying, wonder if local police are being told.

usually that’s her job.

tonight though,

well,

“i feel funny.” maggie says, as supergirl bends down, preparing to scoop her up.

“you’ve been shot.” supergirl points out.

“i had noticed.” maggie says “are you taking me to hospital?”

“boss’ orders.”

“can we go to ncg?”

supergirl braces and jumps, the air rushes around them cool and then too cold “sure.” supergirl says “any particular reason?”

“cute doctors?”

a smile flickers across supergirls face “does alex know this?”

maggie laughs, but it hurts, and she winces, readjusting her grip on the jacket “she’s the one who pointed it out.”

“go on a lot of dates to hospitals?”

maggie wants to reply but words feel a bit much, she’s tired and cold and –

“keep talking to me maggie.” kara says “just keep talking to me.”

maggie’s not sure she can, she tries, but breathing is hard, breathing hurts. she winces and buries her head into kara’s shoulder, biting back tears, biting back fear.

she doesn’t want to die.

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who kudo-d and commented on the last chapter. every single one made my day. y'all are the best. 
> 
> feel free to shout at me on tumblr at 4beit.


	3. chapter two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “i was just on my way out for the night when agent danvers called the job in.” vas explains “how’s maggie?”
> 
> “bleeding,” supergirl gestures to her suit “but at the hospital.”
> 
> “i expect alex will be heading there then.” vas says.
> 
> supergirl frowns “she went after the perp.”
> 
> “she said,” vas says, “but when we got here, the police were already on-scene, but no perp and no danvers.”

the world seems to move in slow motion around supergirl.

she lands in the ambulance bay of the emergency department with as little jostling to maggie as she can manage, yet there’s still the ghost of a grimace that twitches at the corners of her lips. it pains supergirl, knowing that no matter how gentle she is, maggie is still in pain. supgergirl can feel the sticky warmth of maggie’s blood seeping through her suit and matting itself against her skin. it leaves supergirl swallowing emotions and forcing her shoulders back.

a few of the lingering paramedics took note of her arrival and the automatic doors are open and waiting as supergirl makes her way towards them. she can hear the buzzing of noise in her ears, but she ignores questions and comments, she wants to get maggie to doctors as soon as she can.

being in suit helps.

the doors stay open as supergirl walks through them and maggie is feather light in her arms, but that really, is not the point. audible only to supergirl are the changes in maggie’s breathing, the sound of her blood seeping out, sliding across skin. the immediate corridor is void of people, but bright red doors guide supergirl to her destination – resus. an emt emerging from the bathroom darts across the hall and holds the door open for her.

resus is a daunting place, even for a superhero. supergirl remembers talking to an ambulance crew one morning, asking them what hospitals need to know when she’s bringing injured patients in. it had been an enlightening conversation, and supergirl remembers those words now as she takes a breath and

“i have a twenty-nine-year-old female with a single gunshot wound to the stomach. heavy bleeding, not fully conscious. she’s a police officer.” the last detail feels important, yet so are many of the other details that rise to her lips, only for supergirl to swallow them.

as gently as possible, supergirl places maggie onto the bed, speaking just loud enough for maggie to hear “you’re safe now.” supergirl promises “you’re at the hospital.”

maggie, eyes closed and pale nods, wincing “you got to help alex.” she mumbles “you got to.”

“i will.” and the supergirl façade is quaking as kara forces herself to step back “look after her.” she says to one of the nurses “please.”

“we will.” is the response.

it’s what they have to say, and the words fall far short for kara as she moves backwards out of resus. so conscious is she of the suit she’s in, of the role she must play that she will not linger. she cannot linger.

no,

kara needs the freedom of the air to let out a shaking breath and closing her eyes, willing an ear to keep track of maggie’s heartbeat.

it’s fast. too fast.

similar, maggie’s breathing has quickened into short, sharp breaths.

kara’s scared, and in that moment, her fear turns into something else, something more palpable and familiar –

anger.

she lets the sweet relief of rage flood her veins for the briefest of seconds, pushing the rest of her emotions down, pushing them away. kara lets herself zero in on the block from which she came. it’s not hard to find, illuminated by flashing red and blue lights of the police. she can see a black truck or two indicating the deo has also arrived.

all good signs.

supergirl lands at the edge of the cordoned off area and looks for alex.

she’s not immediately visible, although, kara realises, what is visible is the sheer amount of maggie’s blood that has soaked into her suit. it’s drying and itching on her skin and is an uncomfortably vivid reminder of the life at stake tonight.

“supergirl,” a familiar voice says, and she turns to see agent vasquez approaching, decked out in the customary tactical uniform “nice to see you.”

“and you,” supergirl nods “although i didn’t know you were on d shift.”

“i was just on my way out for the night when agent danvers called the job in.” vas explains “how’s maggie?”

“bleeding,” supergirl gestures to her suit “but at the hospital.”

“i expect alex will be heading there then.” vas says.

supergirl frowns “she went after the perp.”

“she said,” vas says, “but when we got here, the police were already on-scene, but no perp and no danvers.”

supergirl swallows hard “have you searched the area?”

vas nods again “police and delta team are doing a block-by-block sweep.”

“and no alex.”

“i’m sure she’s just gone to the hospital.” vas tries to reassure, but kara shakes her head.

“she wouldn’t.” kara insists “not if she was going after the perp.”

“alex can be reckless when people she cares about are injured.” vas says, “she probably lost the perp and backtracked to the hospital.”

it could almost be plausible but “alex leaving a gunman to roam the streets?” kara presses, something doesn’t feel right with the situation.

“how about this,” vas says “i’ll send robinson and macleod from echo to the hospital, to keep an eye on maggie and keep a look out for alex.”

“yeah,” kara says, knowing that echo team will have taken over watch at the deo with delta’s leaving the premises “do that. i’m going to talk to anyone else, see if they’ve seen alex.”

she’s already drifting away from vas, searching the pockets of people standing and talking – taking statements from witnesses and – “hey, uh supergirl-“ one the police officers is approaching, a detective she’s seen before “mind if i ask you a few questions?”

“sure.” kara nods “shoot.”

“i’m detective fortune.” the detective explains “witnesses said that you took the vic to the hospital?”

“i did.” kara says “detective maggie sawyer from the science division, badge number romeo 8213.”

“vic was a cop?” detective fortunes eyes have gone wide “we didn’t know.”

“i arrived quickly after the incident.” kara says “i recognised sawyer from previous experience, she’s a good cop.”

“yeah, yeah, i’ve heard.” the detective says, “any of the feds get a look at the perp?”

“i’m not sure,” kara says “and actually, has an agent danvers signed in to the scene?”

the detective turns, and waves over a uniformed officer with a clipboard “is there an agent danvers on there?”

the uniformed officer turns the clipboard so kara can take a look, she scans the list, checks the second page and “not here.” kara says “thank you.”

“could you,” the uniformed officer says, holding out a pen “uh, sign?”

it would be funny in other circumstances, but an unsteady feeling has settled low in kara’s stomach, so she scribbles a signature in the needed box and turns away. however, before she can leave, the detective asks her one more question “i know you’re not medically trained,” she says, “but what would you classify detective sawyers condition as?”

kara swallows hard “critical.” she says, thinking of the blood, thinking of how pale maggie was.

“thank you.” the detective nods, and kara takes the opportunity to escape away from the main buzz of the scene.

she ventures closer to the deo’s side of things, seeing agents clad in tac gear that she recognises but none of them registering as her sister. kara takes a leap and propels herself into the air, getting to the top of a nearby building and standing perilously on the edge. she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, allowing the noise of the city to wash over her.

some nights she will come and do this just for the sake of listening, as a form of meditation almost. however tonight there is nothing about this that is calming, kara is listening for a very specific set of vitals. she is listening for alex’s heartbeat, her breathing. she is listening for the way alex walks, or even her voice.

yet,

nothing.

kara’s stomach churns.

she takes a deeper breath, expanding herself and her abilities. it’s as if she’s casting a wider net trying to pick up any clue.

still nothing.

kara feels as if she may be sick. the noise of the city is overwhelming at this point and she comes back to her body with a jerk and a start.

there’s nothing graceful about how she descends to street level. nor, as she j’onn clamber out of a truck, is there anything but compressed panic in the way she moves over to him.

“supergirl,” he says with a nod.

“something’s wrong.” kara says “something’s really wrong.” she forces a breath “alex is gone.” kara sees the question in his eyes and descends into her explanation of the nights events up until now

“i was, out, and alex called just after i heard the shots. i was on my way anyway. i got here and maggie, she was bleeding, she was really really hurt. alex told me to get her to a hospital and that she would go after the gunmen. so i did.”

“go on.” j’onn encourages, and there’s something about his calm, the way he’s listening with intent that helps kara corral some of her own worry.

“i dropped maggie off and she, she told me to come help alex. so i came back here, but, alex isn’t here.” kara pauses “j’onn, alex isn’t anywhere. i can’t hear her. at all.”

there’s a beat where kara isn’t sure that j’onn won’t try to explain alex’s disappearance away, but instead he says, “you’re sure?”

kara nods, surer than ever that something has gone horribly wrong, or rather, an already terrible event is no longer just what it seems.

“search for her.” j’onn says “i’ll get agent schott to check the video footage of the area after the incident and get delta team to widen their search.”

“thank you.” kara says “can you, you’re, you know,”

“telepathy?” j’onn supplies.

“that. can that help?”

“not in such a wide area.” j’onn says “if we narrow a search area down, maybe.”

it’s not the answer kara was hoping for, “i’m going to go.” she says “i’m going to look.”

“supergirl,” j’onn says “we’ll find her.”

kara wants to believe him, but her gut is twisting and she doesn’t know why, but she has a feeling the night is only going to get longer.

*

three hours later and kara arrives at the deo demanding answers. she’s caught in a combination of full-blown fear and the sort of anger that comes from knowing the deo _has_ the resources to find alex, it’s just not able to. she strides through the halls of the deo to the command centre “what do we have?” she asks, looking directly at winn.

“uh,” he says, “not much.”

“that’s not helping.” she says, “what about camera footage from the area?”

“none.” winn says “there’s literally nothing in a four-block radius around the scene.”

“nothing, like no cameras.”

“that.” winn nods.

“that’s weird.”

“that’s what i thought.” winn agrees “so i checked the city records, there’s no paperwork showing any of the cameras to be out of order. in fact, there’s evidence that they were working up until half an hour before the shooting.”

“and then what?” comes j’onn’s voice and winn straightens in his seat.

“and then they all go black.” he explains “within a few minutes of each other.”

“cameras don’t just do that.” kara points out for no particular reason. 

“but what does it mean?” winn says.

“it means,” j’onn says “that this wasn’t just an accident.”

kara’s stomach drops and her mind is racing, making the same conclusions “this was planned. it was a set up.”

“more than likely.” j’onn says.

“but who was the target?” winn asks “maggie was shot, but alex is missing.”

“that, along with finding agent danvers, are our primary concerns.”

“i want to help.” kara says “i can search, i can fly, i-“

“we have no leads.” j’onn says “and you still have detective sawyers blood on you.”

“j’onn-“

“when we have narrowed the search area down,” j’onn says “we will make use of your skills.”

“but now?”

“now going to the hospital and protecting detective sawyer, in case she is the intended target of this attack and they want to finish the job, is what alex would want you to do.”

kara does not want to do any such thing, not really but if there is a threat to maggies life,

she knows alex would want her to protect maggie.

“okay.” she concedes quietly.

“you have to trust the deo to do our job.” j’onn says.

“i do.” kara says “that’s not the point.”

j’onn knows what the point is, even if the fact that supergirl is kara and supergirl is also agent danvers’ sister are the two worst kept secrets in the deo, they still don’t bandy it about.

“have faith in us.” j’onn says.

“i’m going to the hospital.” kara says “but if you guys don’t have anything by midnight, i’m going to start searching.”

it’s not a negotiation, she makes that very clear.

“we’ll contact you when we have something.” j’onn promises.

*

the hospital is quieter now, and kara, dressed as herself with comfortable clothes and one of alex’s hoodies on, appreciates that. the hospital has stilled to a sleeping beast, pulse slow and steady. she’s sitting in the waiting room outside the surgical suites. there’s a smattering of other people in the vicinity, but no one is talking. kara can’t bring herself to.

she’s sitting in silence, wishing partially that she hadn’t sent the echo team agents back to the deo, but also just wishing that alex was here. at least if that were the case, they could worry together. instead, kara is on her own, with all her racing thoughts for company, until –

“kara?”

she looks up and sees vas standing in the doorway, they’re dressed down as well, but she can see where vas is carrying a gun, and that makes her feel better for some reason.

“hey.” kara says, gesturing for vas to sit down if they want to.

“j’onn sent me over.” they explain “to help with the protection, but also to check in on you.”

it’s been nearly three hours since kara left the deo “i’m okay.” kara says “any news?”

vas shakes their head “nothing substantial.” a beat, then “i wanted to apologise.”

kara looks up, a question in her eyes that she doesn’t get a chance to ask.

“i doubted you.” vas says “i tried to explain alex’s disappearance away, but i should have trusted you.”

they’re speaking in low murmurs, and kara has to bite her lip to avoid the upwelling of emotion “you weren’t out of line.” she insists “what you were saying made sense.”

“i still should have trusted you.” vas says, “widened the search net earlier.”

“it may not have changed anything.” kara says, and the whole rooms attention is grabbed as the door opens and a surgeon steps through.

“family of maggie sawyer?” he asks.

kara and vas stand, moving across the room.

kara tries to read the man’s face, but there’s nothing given away.

“i’m agent vasquez, fbi.” vas says, “and this is maggie’s sister.”

it’s not technically a lie.

“kara,” kara says quietly “is she okay?”

now kara knows maggie is alive. she knows maggie’s heart is beating and she’s breathing, but there are gaping holes in kara’s medical knowledge that make her ache for alex’s presence.

“this way,” the doctor was, leading them into the rabbit warren of the surgical floor “so,” he explains “she lost a lot of blood, but it’s thanks to supergirl getting here so quickly that she survived. the wound was fairly simple to handle, we removed the bullet. there was some damage to the large intestine and one of her kidneys. so, we have some concerns over infection for the next few days, but we’ve started her on antibiotics prophylactically.”

“prophy-what?” vas asks.

“just in case.” kara says.

“exactly that,” the doctor says “we are, luckily, largely out of the woods and i expect ms. sawyer to make a full recovery.”

the news is a relief.

“can i see her?” kara presses.

the doctor looks hesitant “visiting hours,” he starts, but vas cuts in.

“i’m here as a protective detail for ms. sawyer, we have concerns that the man who shot her may return to finish the job. her sister is also considered to be in danger. it would be a help to me if i could have them both in the same room.”

the partial truth works and the doctor nods,

“i will explain to the nursing staff the situation.” he says, “do you have any other questions?”

“no.” kara and vas say at the same time, both more concerned with seeing maggie than anything else.

*

she’s in a private room, which is the first relief to kara and vas.

the second relief is that amidst the wires and the tubes,

maggie is alive. she’s breathing on her own and that is enough to make kara need to sit down.

“she’s alive.” kara says quietly, as vas slips out of their jacket and drops it over kara’s shoulders.

“she is.” vas agrees “now all we have to do is find alex.”

kara’s stomach twists “i told j’onn that at midnight, i’m going to start my own search.”

“i won’t stop you.” vas says.

kara nods, glancing at the clock on the wall and then leaning forward so she’s resting on the railing of the bed on folded hands.

“i don’t know how we’re going to tell maggie that alex is missing.” she murmurs.

“let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.” vas replies, just as quietly, taking a standing position by the door.

yet somehow, kara thinks it will.

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! welcome to another update of the angst-fest. quite a few of you shouted at me for how i ended that last chapter, and while all totally deserved, boy y'all are in for a treat with the rest of this story. thank you to everyone who has kudoed and commented.


	4. chapter three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kara listens and listens and she can hear an entire city awakening before her,
> 
> but none of it matters because none of it is alex.

kara finds herself sitting atop a building. specifically, she’s sitting on the corner edge of the catco tower, not because it’s the tallest but because it is by far the most comfortable. she has a tether to the building, the emotional connection and for some reason, with a gaping, alex shaped void in kara’s life, that connection is important.

so kara sits, cross-legged on the corner. she lets her hands grip into the brickwork around her and she closes her eyes.

like this kara can feel the city. what she hears and what she feels become one in the same. the vibrations of busses and trucks and cars along the streets. the delicate hum of voices, at the moment so indistinguishable from one another settles around kara like a summer storm.

she takes a deep breath and casts out her mind.

this technique is never easy, even on the best of days. kara finds herself sifting through an uprising of voices. the overarching calm shatters into fragments of conversations rising and roiling around her. arguments and violence clamour for her attention. the soft cries of a child tug at her heart for a moment until the calming whispers of a parents wrap themselves around the baby.

the city is alive, and at the same moment kara is aware of four hearts that stop beating.

she is aware of an entire city’s existence, yet

yet there is a silence that drags kara’s attention away from it all.

not once, not once in the hours since alex’s disappearance, has she heard alex’s heartbeat.

kara listens for it, desperately.

yet nothing.

she spends the hours until sunrise moving from building to building, listening and watching and hoping that alex will reappear.

yet nothing.

she contemplates telling eliza, but kara doesn’t know what she would say. how does she break the news that alex is missing? kara isn’t sure she could face eliza, not when they have no leads, no answers, not the faintest clue as to what’s happened to alex.

she checks midvale, lingering on the edge, listening.

the closer she lets her hearing get to the danvers household the more kara realises just how scared she is. the loss of alex, the vanishing act that has been done leave kara feeling off kilter, out of synch and –

wait,

there,

in the kitchen,

kara hopes, for half a second, but the heartbeat is not the same. it is eliza, making a cup of coffee, turning the radio up and singing along.

kara’s stomach twists and she leaves, unable to face eliza. unable to tell her the truth.

she arrives back in national city with the sunrise and kara knows there’s only one place she wants to go.

the hospital.

she lands a block away, emerging from the shadows of an alleyway and letting herself blend into the early morning crowd. it’s just past four am, the streets hold only those ambitious runners and those whose business is that of the morning rush. kara weaves her way through deliveries of baked goods and a pack of runners all yawning. she knows her way to the hospital from here, and good thing to because kara has an ear out for one thing and one thing only.

alex.

yet she makes it to the hospital without any sign of her sister and that, above everything else, solidifies the fear in her heart. fear not at alex’s fate, kara has not allowed herself to contemplate such things, but rather fear of having to explain to maggie that alex is gone.

kara walks through the hospital with the quiet confidence of someone who belongs. at this hour, there are few people around to question her and those that look like they might ask,

don’t.

vasquez is standing outside maggie’s room when kara returns. kara can see the look of hope in their eyes that flashes for the briefest of moments,

but no.

kara shakes her head and twists her hands and asks, “is she awake?”

vas nods “been in and out of it for a few hours.” 

“has she been asking for alex?”

vas nods again.

kara feels sick but doesn’t slow her stride. she passes vas and steps inside maggies room, closing the door gently behind her. it’s awash in sunlight and maggie blinks slowly, trying to register who’s walked in the room “kara,” she says, voice hoarse “kara hey.”

“hey yourself.” kara says “you look alive.”

“i feel alive.” maggie replies “thanks to you.”

“doctors and nurses did all the work.” kara shrugs off the compliment and sits down in the chair by maggies bed “there’s something,” she says “something i have to tell you.”

maggie’s eyes go wide “alex-“ she starts and kara can see maggie’s grip tighten on the sheet.

kara takes a breath “alex is,” she forces the word out “alex is missing.”

“missing?” maggie repeats “i don’t understand?”

kara reaches out for maggie’s hand and there’s relief when maggie grips it “i brought you to the hospital.” kara explains “and i went back to the scene, to help her and give a statement.”

at any other time maggie would no doubt make a comment about supergirls improved knowledge of police procedure, however not now. now she’s watching kara with intent.

“but alex wasn’t there. she wasn’t here. she,” kara shakes her head “maggie she’s just gone.”

“gone?”

“i can’t find her. i can’t hear her heartbeat. the deo has no leads. i – i’ve checked everywhere.”

“i don’t understand.”

“i don’t either.” kara says “i- she said she was going to go after the gunman and that was the last i heard.”

maggie goes very quiet, very still.

kara knows what she’s thinking “police and deo have searched for a body.” she says quietly “they set up a perimeter around the scene and went block by block.” it’s not reassurance, it’s,

it’s something else.

“i’m going to be sick.” maggie says quietly “i-“ she lets out a shaking breath.

“maggie,” kara says “there’s something else.”

maggie looks over at her, concerned.

“there’s evidence to show that this may not have been an accident.”

maggie frowns “that the shooting was planned?”

kara nods “all of the cameras for blocks around the scene went out in the same five-minute period yesterday and turned on an hour after the shooting.”

“someone created a blind spot.”

“more like a blind mile.” kara says “we’re not sure who the target was.”

“me or alex?” maggie asks and kara nods “i was shot.” maggie says “but alex is the one who’s disappeared.”

“exactly.” kara says “we don’t, we can’t tell – it’s why vas is here as protection.”

“they think someone might come to finish the job?”

kara nods.

“i have enemies.” maggie says “but this…” she trails off “i don’t know.” she sighs “has there been any contact made, any ransom demands?”

kara shakes her head “i’m not going to stop looking for her.” kara says “i’m not, but, i wanted, you know, i wanted to tell you.”

maggie squeezes kara’s hand “this isn’t your fault.” she says gently.

“it feels like mine.” kara admits quietly “but more than that, i’m scared.”

“i am too.” maggie replies “it’s okay to be scared.”

“she’s just vanished.” kara says “i don’t, it doesn’t make sense.”

“let’s think about it,” maggie says quietly “work through it.”

“okay.” kara nods “that’s not really my forte.”

“lucky for you,” maggie says “it’s mine.” she takes a short breath and exhales slowly “my recommendation, don’t get shot little danvers.”

“noted.” kara says.

maggie nods, seemingly satisfied with that answer “so,” she says with a wince “did you say it was all the cameras were taken out?”

“everything,” kara confirms “city cameras, speed cameras, store cctv. all of it.”

“that indicates someone with tech prowess. anyone can hack the city cameras, but a controlled take out of all cameras like that? that’s something else. that’s much higher tech. not to mention alex and i don’t usually walk that way home, so someone had to be tailing us. more than likely a group.”

“why a group?”

“harder to be noticed that way.” maggie says “but if i’m the target, why shoot me when i’m with alex? i spent most of my day alone, they could have easily shot me and left me for dead in a street.”

the thought is uncomfortable to say the least.

“so, are you saying that alex was the target?”

maggie nods and “alex was off all day. she slept in, went to yoga, did errands. she was in very public spaces all day. not to mention, supergirl wasn’t too busy.”

kara’s eyes go wide “you,” she starts and maggie nods.

“i was the diversion.” maggie says softly “whoever planned this knew if i was hurt bad enough you would take care of me over staying with alex.”

“so, they got alex on her own.” kara says “and used the chaos of the shooting to…” she trails off, looking at maggie again.

“to do something.” maggie says “go the deo, tell winn alex and i were at the vegan fest in holmbush square, track our movements that way, see if they can find anything.”

kara doesn’t want to leave maggie’s side but “go,” maggie insists “i’ll be okay. i’m just going to sleep more.”

“are you sure?”

maggie softens “i know you want to tear the world apart to find her, i want to too. right now i can’t, but you can. go find alex.”

kara nods resolutely, “i will.”

“and,” maggie says “thank you.”

“you’re family.” kara says “you don’t have to thank me.”

“i’m going to anyway.” maggie says “i’m alive because of you.”

“just rest.” kara says, standing and heading for the door “i’ll be back when i can.”

*

the deo is humming with activity and kara hates it.

it’s too loud, too much interference and

“winn.” she says sharply “i spoke to maggie.”

winn spins around in his chair, pulling a headphone out of his ear “she’s awake?”

“yes.” kara says “and she had an idea.”

“an idea, she was just shot.” winn points out.

“alex is missing.” kara fires back.

“fair point.” winn concedes “what was her idea.”

“maggie thinks alex was the target because if the idea was just to shoot maggie there were loads of better opportunities today to get that done. plus, the amount of cameras they took out takes knowledge and equipment, and maggie and alex don’t usually walk home that way so here had to be a mobile team, multiple people, following them.”

“i don’t get it,” winn starts.

“they had to be followed in real time.” kara says “they, they couldn’t take out all the cameras in the city.” she’s pressing on, this feels like hope for the first time since alex was marked as missing “they, maggie told me to tell you they were at some vegan festival in holmbush square. she said track them from there and maybe you’ll get lucky.”

winn seems to come alive “that’s, she’s, i love her.”

“you’re not the only one.” kara says, and it’s only as she stands and watches winn start typing and scrolling that the exhaustion hits her.

she fights to stay awake, but it feels impossible. she can hear too many fingers moving across keyboards and there are too many voices. kara hears boots on linoleum and bare feet on padded mats. she hears fist on flesh and the humming of a coffee machine. she hears everything and all at once,

she feels sick.

she feels –

kara’s moving away from the command centre. she’s weaving her way through groups of recruits and agents prepping for other work. she’s escaping up, up and up and up through the building

she needs the silence, needs an escape.

she steps onto the roof and the morning air hits her, already it’s sweltering. at least here, in the shade of a lightning rod, kara is able to slump down. she sits down and takes a series of short, sharp breaths.

she’s exhausted but she knows she can’t sleep.

not yet.

not until alex is back.

alex.

kara closes her eyes and opens her mind and thinks of alex’s heartbeat. she thinks of the familiar lub-dub and the way its noise has been a constant through her life since she arrived.

kara listens and listens and she can hear an entire city awakening before her,

but none of it matters because none of it is alex.

**


	5. chapter four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “hey,” maggie says quietly as kara walks past the guard at the door and slips into the room “thank you.” she says, and kara can tell maggie’s been crying.
> 
> “you don’t have to thank me.” kara says, pulling the chair closer to maggie’s bed so she can take maggie’s hand “i- i keep forgetting that i’m not the only one affected by this.”

“you need rest.” j’onn says, from where he’s taken a seat next to her.

“we need to find alex.” kara replies “we don’t know where she is. we don’t know what’s being done to her. we don’t-“ kara refuses to say the last thing on her lips.

“we will find her.” j’onn reassures.

“it may be too late.” kara says “it may be too late by the time we find her. how, how can there be nothing in this whole city? there’s got to be a clue. somewhere.”

“you need to sleep.” j’onn says, cutting through her rising emotions.

“i can’t.” kara says “j’onn, i can’t sleep. i can’t, - alex is _missing_ and someone needs to tell eliza and we have to find alex and someone needs to keep maggie in the loop and –“

“kara,” j’onn says “you need to look after yourself. you can sleep at the deo, in alex’s office. but you need to rest.”

it’s nearly noon, kara doesn’t know how many hours she’s been awake.

she knows j’onn is right, yet,

“i can’t.” she says quietly, feeling j’onn move beside her.

he’s standing, holding out a hand to help her up.

“the moment we get a lead,” j’onn says, as kara stands on stiff legs “i will wake you.”

“you have to.” kara says.

“i will.” j’onn promises and he’s leading kara back inside.

he’s leading her down and down and down again, until they’re nearly level with alex’s office door. kara hesitates before it. she’s almost too scared to go in. she’s too scared of being in alex’s space without her. yet,

she takes a slow breath and grips the door handle.

she takes another breath,

and opens the door.

inside the office is dark and cool and quiet. it smells like alex too and that breaks kara’s heart. she can see alex’s desk, organised and yet not to the outward eye. to the uninformed it’s a mess of papers and pens and highlighters. except for kara, who has spent many a night in this room, watching alex work, coaxing alex to leave it all behind for the night, she knows what this is.

alex was mid-analysis of their latest op. kara knows it’s what alex likes to do, run through the transcript of the op with the recording playing. she likes to follow their movements on blueprints or homemade maps. she tracks and traces and she breaks everything down into what could be done better, what could be done safer, what did they miss.

right now though, the space is but a shell and kara feels tears sting her eyes. she moves across the darkened space to the couch, the couch she has spent so many nights sleeping on, just to keep alex company.

kara sits, she leans back, she closes her eyes.

even with the hum of the building around her,

she’s asleep before she realises.

*

when kara wakes next it’s when there’s a knock on the door.

she awakes with a start and a jolt and the events of the evening hit her like a brick “yeah,” she says “yeah, i’m awake. you can come in.”

the door opens and it’s winn, wide eyed and exhausted but “i think we have something.”

kara wakes up all at once “what is it?” she says, “what did you find?”

“you need to see to understand.” winn explains, leading kara through the halls to a smaller room with a an entire wall of screens “okay.” he says “so,” and he’s wired, talking quickly and buzzing from the adrenaline of whatever he’s found “so on the top left we have the footage from the festival with maggie and alex leaving. continuing across the top row we have them walking down the street. from these we didn’t think we could see a lot. there’re loads of people, the train station is the way that maggie and alex are walking. but,” and only by one the screens play as winn comes to them “it’s this one.”

screen on the top row, dead in the middle “this one.” winn continues “is where it gets interesting.”

kara watches it play out, finding maggie and alex as they pause, and look down the road to the left of them.

“it’s what makes this route so weird.” winn says “there was live music at the end of the block, from a bar, they turn down to follow that and this street is a lot quieter. and, it’s unexpected. it’s not a normal route. so, it exposes the first member of the team.”

winn pauses the screen using the mouse points out grainy footage of a white male, built, staring directly at maggie and alex from across the street “now watch what he does.” winn encourages, pressing play.

kara watches, the man seems to start and speaks very quickly into the cuff of his jacket.

“now,” winn says “watch the cyclist.”

kara follows his finger and she watches a cyclist make a breakneck turn, nearly getting hit by a taxi in the process, just to follow the left that maggie and alex take.

“so, they’re part of the team?” kara says.

“yes.” winn reaffirms, “we know this because man number on reappears just before they enter the dead zone. and,” he hesitates.

“and?” kara presses.

“we think he had a gun.” winn says “bottom row, second screen from the left.”

kara finds it, watches the man pull something from a paper bag and,

“so, he’s the gunmen.” she says.

“yes. j’onn already knows and we’re running as many of the team as we can through facial recognition. and,” he says, “we’re looking through footage from after the incident, for any of the team leaving.”

“you are,” kara says “you are, you are good at your job.” she says

“thanks.” winn says “where are you going?” he asks, watching kara turn around and stride for the door.

“i saw that bike.” she says, “chained up a few blocks from where maggie was shot.”

“and?” winn calls out.

“i’m going to stake it out.” kara calls over her shoulder, not waiting for a response.

having a goal, having tangible evidence feels good. it makes her heart race, it gives her hope.

hope she needs at this point.

*

kara is sitting at a table with a glass of iced coffee watering down in front of her. she’s not paying it much attention, not between checking her phone from updates from winn and staring down the bike chained to a lamppost. it’s been an hour since her arrival and kara’s eaten her way through most of the café’s lunch menu. it helps settle her, eating. she’d woken up starving but lost the notion to eat when the news of a lead found her.

thus far, no one has shown the bike any interest at all.

which,

not great news for kara.

not to mention there’s a small chance that whoever ditched the bike, won’t be coming back for it. why would they? dozens of bikes get abandoned every year in national city. it would just become one amongst the masses. kara ignores that fact every time it surfaces because this is a lead and sitting here, watching the bike with the stupid yellow handlebar grips.

people come and go from the café, some getting food to take back to the office and others settling down to eat in. she can peg at least three dates happening, one break-up and a surprise party being planned. it’s all so utterly normal, so mundane, that it reminds kara how profoundly abnormal all of her life is.

for as long as she has been on this planet, trying to fit in, doing things like the people around her. she will always be an alien. she will always have an ear out for danger. it’s never bothered her before now, as if, maybe if she’d kept herself to herself, alex wouldn’t have gotten taken.

of course, kara knows if she’d kept herself to herself than alex probably would have died.

it’s a vicious cycle of blame that kara finds herself in, unable to keep distracted from it, she allows the guilt build, accepting this as her fault. her error.

her phone rings.

maggie’s photo appears on the screen and kara answers quickly “hey,” she says.

 _”hey yourself.”_ maggie replies _”i hear you’re on a stakeout.”_

“staring at a bike.” kara says “because at least it feels like i’m doing something.”

 _”i know how you feel.”_ maggie says, and kara hears her voice waver _”i feel useless here, stuck in a bed.”_

“maggie,” kara says “you were shot. you’re, you should be resting.”

 _”but alex is out there somewhere. and,”_ maggie takes a shaking breath _”i hate feeling stuck like this. useless.”_

“maggie,” kara soothes “maggie our only lead came from you. you, from a hospital bed have done more than the entire deo did up until that point. you’ve done so much.”

 _”so have you.”_ maggie counters, and she sounds so tired, so exhausted and in pain _”have you slept, at all since it happened?_

“a couple of hours.” kara says quietly.

there’s a long pause on the other end and then _”i know you’re on your bicycle stakeout right now,”_ maggie says _”but i, uh,_ another pause and kara knows what she needs to do.

“i’m on my way.” she says “i’ll be there in five minutes.”

 _”thank you.”_ maggie says quietly and kara is standing, she is abandoning her hunt for the cyclist because she knows they won’t come back to it.

beyond that,

maggie is sitting, alone in a hospital bed.

maggie was just shot and nearly died in the name of getting alex alone and kara can only imagine how she feels. so, she goes to the hospital as quickly as she can without getting weird looks for moving too fast. all the while kara keeps an ear out. she listens in the chaos of a bustling city for a sound she’s never missed so much.

*

“hey,” maggie says quietly as kara walks past the guard at the door and slips into the room “thank you.” she says, and kara can tell maggie’s been crying.

“you don’t have to thank me.” kara says, pulling the chair closer to maggie’s bed so she can take maggie’s hand “i- i keep forgetting that i’m not the only one affected by this.”

“you’re not.” maggie says quietly “not by a long shot.”

kara doesn’t know what to say, but it turns out she doesn’t need to because maggie continues on with

“i want to ask alex to marry me.”

kara looks up,

“i- are you asking my permission?”

maggie laughs, winces and says “i’m not sure. but,” she swallows hard “for some reason it seemed important for you to know that.”

kara’s heart breaks a little bit “i know how much you love her.” she says “i’ve known, i don’t doubt it. and i,” she pauses for a breath and looks at maggie “i know how much alex loves you.”

“tell me we’re going to find her?” maggie asks quietly and something ignites in kara, something she can’t define in the moment.

“we’re going to find her.” kara promises, steel in her voice.

“good.” maggie says, and her eyes are flickering shut.

“just rest.” kara says softly “we’re going to find her.”

kara curls up in the chair, determined to keep watch over maggie and yet, in the seclusion of the private room she finds herself unable to keep from falling asleep.

*

it’s hours later, with maggie still asleep that kara’s phone rings once again, except this time it’s winn. her heart leaps to her mouth and she answers at once

“did you find something?”

 _”you need to get back to the deo.”_ winn says

“what did you find?” kara presses, noticing maggie stirring.

 _”identities on some of the people who may have taken alex,”_ winn says ”that’s what we found.”

“who are they?” she presses.

_”kara,”_

“tell me.”

_”military and former military. they’re professional. including an interrogation specialist.”_

kara’s stomach drops.

she knows what that means.

“i’ll be there in three.” she says.

“what is it?” maggie asks “what’s going on?”

kara takes a deep breath “they have ids on some of the people we think took alex.” she says.

“and?”

“former military, professionals for hire.” kara swallows hard “one of them is an interrogation specialist.”

“jesus.” maggie says softly, closing her eyes, a pained expression flickering across her face.

“maggie,” kara says, itching to leave, itching for the door “i-“

“go.” maggie says “go and find them, bring alex back.”

“i will.” kara promises, and as she’s leaving the room, she knows what new emotion is burning inside of her. she’s surprised it took this long to identify anger.

the truth is, she’s burning with a rage she hasn’t felt in a long, long time.


	6. chapter five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but all at once kara’s attention is caught on something else,
> 
> someone else.
> 
> a heartbeat. distant, faint, but familiar all the same.

“the question is,” vas says, sitting at a table accompanied by j’onn, kara and a few select members of alex’s team “what do they want with alex?” they look over to kara “i know there are some obvious answers here, but we need to keep our minds open.”

“hostage doesn’t seem likely,” a woman kara knows as brady chimes in “there’s been no ransom notice, no reaching out of any kind.”

brady’s companion, a man called erik nods “i agree, but danvers is a high-ranking member of an organisation that doesn’t technically exist, she has unlimited amounts of information.”

“not to mention,” kara says “she’s smart. she’s one of the only people in the world with an understanding of alien biology. her knowledge doesn’t apply to every species but,”

“but she’s a good a place as any to start.” vas concludes.

“yeah.” kara says.

a silence settles for a beat, and then it’s vas saying “so we have motive, what about means?”

“a team like that would be expensive, they’re well trained.” j’onn says “schott says they’re some of the best of the best. not to mention all the technology we suspect they used.”

“so, someone with money.”

“and no morals.” kara chimes in “they were willing to let maggie die.”

brady chimes in “have we checked maxwell lords alibi?”

it’s a fair point, but vas is already nodding “we don’t think he’s involved. it’s not his style. he’s a showman, this, this is something else.”

kara is inclined to agree “there’s something else,” she says, “whoever this is, they were, are, able to hide alex from me and that’s not easy to do.”

“i think that’s a good point,” vas agrees “they’re not just smart enough to know supergirl is going to come looking for alex, they know you, they know your weaknesses.”

it’s erik who says, “have we looked at the luthors?”

kara’s ears perk, she has of course, been paying close attention to the rise of the newly rebranded l-corp. other writers at catco have managed to obtain stale and unexciting interviews with the luthor in charge, a woman named lena.

“they have the resources.” vas says slowly.

“but the motive?” kara asks “i know lex and superman aren’t the best of friends, but what would the luthors be interested in doing with alex?”

“they say his kid sister is some sort of genius.” brady says “no offense to alex but,” she trails off.

“it’s an avenue worth exploring.” j’onn concedes “but is by no means our only option.” he pauses “we may, i think, be ignoring the elephant in the room.”

silence reigns. 

“cadmus.” j’onn says slowly.

“of course.” kara says quietly.

“they would have the means,” vas says, “the resources and the motive.”

“so, we find cadmus, we find alex.” kara says.

“it’s not that simple,” j’onn counters “cadmus is as we are – unofficial, black book, impossible to track.”

“they have alex.” kara says.

“i know,” j’onn agrees “but we have to be smart about this.”

“smart?” kara stutters “smart about what? they have my sister, they took her who knows where and are doing god knows what to her. we may not have time to be smart.”

“kara-“ vas starts,

but all at once kara’s attention is caught on something else,

someone else.

a heartbeat. distant, faint, but familiar all the same.

kara stands, hackles raised “hold on.” she says, and in that moment, she sees j’onn too register the presence.

“kara,” vas calls out.

“no.” kara says and she’s moving from the room.

she is moving through the hallway with a purpose, her anger now has a channel.

“kara!” j’onn is calling to her but he, in this moment, is no match for her.

he arrives in the foyer of the building just moments after kara does and he bears witness to what happens next. he stands, on edge, alert, watching as kara stands in front of lucy lane.

“what are you doing here?” kara growls.

“kara,” lucy says, and j’onn can see that everything about her is submissive, her hands spread at her side, showing kara she is not a threat. he can see as lucy tries to take a half step forward, but in the same motion it is kara who takes a step back “kara please.”

“please what?” kara spits, she turns to look at j’onn “you think this is a coincidence? she just happens to show up just as we’re figuring out cadmus probably took alex.”

“kara-“ lucy says and it looks like she wants to reach out and grab her hang, but kara will not be stopped, her fear for alex has morphed into a kind of rage.

rage sparked higher by the sight of lucy.

lucy who,

kara does not want to think this yet she is, she does, lucy looks good. she looks exhausted and haunted, but she looks alive and healthy and,

kara shakes her head, entire body tense “no.” she says “i don’t care what you’re here for. you can’t just show up.”

“kara please, you have to hear me out.”

“no,” kara says “i don’t. i bet you’re here for them. betting we’d just let you in with open arms.”

lucy snorts “how stupid do you think i am?” she counters, aggression of her own rising “you think i don’t know how much i hurt you? don’t you think i tried to figure out any other way to make this work without having to come back to national city and face you? you really think i’d do that work for my father? didn’t you know me better than that?”

“does it matter?” kara says “how am i supposed to trust you?”

j’onn steps forward “let me take care of that.”

they both turn to look at him, “if you remember,” he speaks to lucy “i have certain telepathic abilities. if you grant me permission, i would be able to see inside your mind, see your intentions, your secrets.”

kara, arms folded across her chest, look back at lucy “i don’t think you deserve the chance.”

lucy recoils as if burned.

“that’s not your call.” j’onn says “if ms. lane has come back, when she is supposed to be at a highly classified location, i assume she has good reason.”

“i’ll do it.” lucy says “i’ll do whatever you want.”

kara does not waver on her opinion, but she stands aside so lucy may walk past. for a moment, kara cannot bring herself to follow, stuck still as she is by the upswelling of emotions. her brain simultaneously believes that lucy is standing here and refuses to accept it. she pins her emotions on the truth she chose,

that lucy is here as a spy for her father.

yet, kara finds herself doubting that. she remembers long, willingly sleepless night spent with her arms wrapped around lucy, pressing kisses to the curves of her shoulder, encouraging her to talk. they talked about everything,

anything,

sharing their traumas and their fears.

kara remembers feeling whole with lucy, remembers how the gaping void in her heart seemed to lessen when lucy was around. only, of course, for that void to triple in size when kara, from a distance, watched lucy board a plane back to the east coast.

now lucy is back and kara doesn’t know what to think.

part of her knows she should trust j’onn, that he has skills beyond her own and he can source out if lucy is here as foe or, less of a foe.

there are footsteps behind kara and she turns to see vas approaching, they look apologetic “i called lucy.” they say.

“you what?”

“i called lucy, after it was determined that alex was gone. we hadn’t put the pieces together that it could be cadmus or the luthors, but – she was a director, she spent days studying everything about the deo. i thought she could help.”

“we don’t need her help.” kara says

“you know that’s not true.”

“how did you even get a hold of her?”

“she’s a former director the deo,” vas says “and i have more than enough favours owed to me.”

“do i want to know how you got them all?”

“i made tough calls.” vas says, “when other people couldn’t, or wouldn’t think to make them.”

kara lets out a long, shaking breath.

“i know lucy hurt you,” vas says “but right now you have to ignore that. if she didn’t have anything to do with alex’s disappearance, she may be able to help us. we need all the help we can get.”

kara sighs again. “i’m not happy about this.” she says.

“i don’t need you to be happy.” vas says “i need you to not yell at lucy long enough for her to speak.”

“fine.” kara says.

“then come on.” vas says “j’onn is taking her to interview room a.”

*

kara stands as far back against the wall of the observation room as she can. her arms are folded across her chest and she is, distinctly not happy about what’s happening in front of her. more than that, below the mixed emotions she feels at seeing lucy again,

kara aches.

she aches seeing lucy again.

lucy who, at the moment is seated in a chair, staring straight through the one-way glass. it’s as if she knows kara is watching, knows kara is keeping her distance. kara can’t tear her gaze away, she can see a new scar along lucy’s neck and some half-healed bruising along the top of one shoulder.

the thought of lucy injured still twists kara’s stomach.

she pushes down the thought, listening to j’onn speak “i need you to close your eyes, open your mind. i will keep this as painless as i can.”

“okay.” lucy says “just do it.”

kara watches lucy lay the palms of her hands on the table. she watches lucy take a deep breath and then close her eyes, exhaling slowly. kara watches it all,

not that there’s much to watch.

kara can hear the sharp intakes of lucy’s breath and the way she stops breathing a beat after that. she can hear lucy’s fingers gripping into the metal table top and kara can hear the pounding of lucy’s chest.

she almost wants to ask j’onn to stop but,

no,

she has to be sure.

there’s silence for a moment longer and then,

“fuck.” lucy says with an exhale “fuck, if we could _never_ do that again.”

j’onn nods “it’s not known to be pleasant.” he says “but,” he turns to look through the glass towards where he knows kara is standing “i believe you are here to help us, nothing more.”

“thank you.” lucy says “i- i will tell you what i know, but i just need a moment, please.”

j’onn nods again, preparing to say something else, but kara doesn’t linger to hear. she’s moving out of the room, she’s moving away from the interrogation block and she’s moving on autopilot away from it all.

she only realises she’s in alex’s office when the door closes behind her.

she stands in the relative silence, shaking, trying to coordinate her emotions with her mindset. yet, kara can’t. she can’t because from all appearances lucy came back from god knows where to help, to help find alex. vas called and lucy came and kara is left standing, wondering why _she_ wasn’t enough, nearly a year ago.

she wonders, and she wishes alex were here because she knows alex would have an opinion on lucy’s presence. kara wraps her arms around her waist, she’s exhausted and she’s scared and she’s angry and –

there’s a soft knock at the door.

kara knows who’s on the other side before lucy speaks.

“kara,” it’s lucy’s soft voice “can we talk?”

kara wants to say no, she has every right to say no, but –

“come in.” kara says.

the door is pushed open and lucy steps in. she looks slightly ill, slightly shaken. the door closes with a hitch behind her and they’re left in the blue-black of alex’s office. the deo is moving around them but kara’s heart nearly stops in her chest. she tries not to remember the long nights they shared in lucy’s office, the laughs and the tears and –

“why did you come back?” kara asks.

“vas called, told me alex was missing and i –“

“and you?” kara presses, turning her back to lucy and trying to compose herself.

lucy takes a deep breath and “i need you to trust me.” lucy murmurs, her words curling against the ball of kara’s shoulder “once upon a time you could have done that.” kara lets out a shuddering breath as lucy asks “can you trust me one more time?”

“why should i?” kara asks, turning “why should i trust you?”

“because,” lucy says “i know where cadmus is holding alex.”

kara stills and her eyes are wide and wild “what?”

lucy takes a deep breath “come with me,” she says “i can tell vas and j’onn and we can get a team together.”

kara shakes her head “tell me.” she demands “tell me where alex is.”

“kara,” lucy starts to protest, she shakes her head.

“lucy-“

“listen.” lucy says, interrupting kara “i need you to listen to me. this isn’t, supergirl can’t go do this alone. you need help. you need back up.”

“i don’t. just tell me.”

lucy faces kara down “no, not yet. you need to listen. you need to plan with us. this has to be done properly or they’ll kill alex before we get to her.”

“who’s they?”

“cadmus.”

“so, you’ve said.” kara presses “why do they have alex?”

“it’s only what i heard, what i could uncover before they demoted me, took away my security clearance.” lucy says “cadmus wanted rid of the deo. they wanted to take supergirl out. research told them that agent alex danvers was the one they needed to get, to learn everything they needed.”

kara burns and lucy continues “if i’d been able to communicate the intel, i would have. kara you need to believe me but i’ve been in the desert for a year.”

“you chose that.” kara reminds her “you chose that trip.”

there’s a knock on the door and kara turns, but j’onn doesn’t wait for a response before pushing the door open with vas in his wake “your intel.” he says, speaking to lucy “if you please.”

“there’s a facility an hour from here,” she says “lead lined and heavily armoured. it was one of a dozen facilities built in the past year, but it’s the only one with the ability to hide anyone from supergirl.”

“how do you know?” j’onn presses.

“paperwork.” lucy says “when i was at the deo, i got used to scanning a lot of paperwork and picking up the important details. when i,” she glances at kara “when i shipped out, i met with my father. he, he expressed undue interest in my work here at the deo. it made me suspicious. so i did some digging. too much digging.” she sighs “but i found enough. none of it made sense until after vas called. that’s when everything i’d read made sense.”

“why are we still standing here?” kara asks.

“this is a heavily armoured government facility.” lucy says “we can’t just march in there.”

“watch me.” kara growls “where is it?”

lucy shakes her head, looking at j’onn.

j’onn relents “tell her, lucy.” he says.

lucy rattles off coordinates, then adds “it’s the middle of the mojave desert. they’ll see us coming from a mile away.”

“they won’t see me.” kara grits.

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who has commented and kudoed i will try to get to all of your comments as soon as i can. pls know i appreciate every single one of them.


	7. chapter six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kara is glad she is alone; her anger feels more unbridled this way. her anger feels full and all consuming. there is nothing in her that regrets leaving the deo in a flurry of movement and noise. she was, of course, aware that j’onn could follow her if he so chose. he could also make a good attempt at stopping her, however maybe he saw the darkness in kara’s eyes and decided it was better not to stand in the path of a hurricane.

there is whimpering. it is a pained and desperate sound that can only be drawn from someone hurt, someone injured, someone tormented. the sound hits kara like a bomb and she folds on herself as she flies, straining to hear more beyond the sound, but all she has,

all there is,

is the sound of alex’s slow torture.

kara cannot hear the specifics, she’s not even sure how she’s able to hear alex in fits and starts. she knows her sister well enough to be aware of the noises alex makes when she’s in pain. of course, kara has heard these sounds as muted in the dead of night when alex is doing her best to hide them, as if her silence will encourage her wounds to heal faster.

it is clear that now, alex has no such hope.

kara isn’t sure if her sister has any hope at all. it’s hard to tell from the snatches of pain carried on the winds. they seem to drift past kara as she flies, haunting, echoing around her. they are the melody of a winter storm.

kara is glad she is alone; her anger feels more unbridled this way. her anger feels full and all consuming. there is nothing in her that regrets leaving the deo in a flurry of movement and noise. she was, of course, aware that j’onn could follow her if he so chose. he could also make a good attempt at stopping her, however maybe he saw the darkness in kara’s eyes and decided it was better not to stand in the path of a hurricane.

the coordinates lucy gave seem correct, that’s kara’s first thought as she spots the dim twinkling of lights ahead of her. nothing drastic compared to national city, but at the same time amongst the midnight black of the desert, any light stands out. her heart is pounding in her ears and kara doesn’t have a plan besides get inside, get to alex and –

a scream is echoing on the winds. kara hears it and her stomach drops, this is anguished and unguarded.

she’s never heard this from alex before, and such a fact scares her. in snatches kara can hear the ragged panting of alex’s breath, the steady drip of blood onto a concrete floor.

then the sound is gone and kara is left with nothing but the night and her racing thoughts. 

it makes her all the more determined, all the angrier.

it takes all her self-control to land quietly, with barely a whisper. kara moves through the shadows of the building like a ghost, feet barely touching the ground. never before has she found such precision to come easy.

tonight however,

she incapacitates the first guard with a well-placed strike. not hard enough to kill, but enough to keep him unconscious. there’s grim satisfaction for kara because, well, alex taught her how to do that.

she walks the perimeter of the building, searching for an entrance. the lead lining is inconvenient, but not enough to stop kara, not tonight. she’ll find a door, go through and find someone to ask.

it will not be that easy, but kara pretends that it will if only to abate the seething anger in her veins.

she spies a door, and with it, the beam of a watch tower falls on her.

there’s a beat before a claxon is blaring loudly.

something grim and dark rises in kara,

_good,_ it thinks, she thinks _let them come._

and come they do. an onslaught kara freezes in their tracks. it takes no effort at all to leave them standing there, fingers on triggers, blinking madly but unable to speak or shout or shoot.

“you know who i’m here for.” she says, “are you going to tell me where alex danvers is?”

the soldier, encased in ice, she addresses does not blink, does not avert his gaze.

it’s no matter, kara strides past them all, moving towards the open door from which they emerged.

the steps lead down,

so, she takes them. down in the belly of the beast kara moves with a confidence that she has never held before. she knows she will not be stopped. she knows she will not be lied to. she –

“stop!” an armed guard shout.

kara turns to face him “or what?” she asks, watching his finger twitch on the trigger.

she catches the bullet, dropping it to the ground “or you’re going to shoot me?” she shakes her head “you can try, but you won’t hurt me, not even a little bit.” she is feet from the man now, his bullets bouncing off her and hitting the floor with echoing clangs “tell me where they’re keeping agent danvers.” her words are not a question. 

the man is shooting and running backwards and shooting and –

he trips.

he lands sprawled on his back and kara stands over him. she places a boot on his chest “tell me.” she says, “where they’re keeping agent danvers.”

“never.” the man spits “you’ll never find her. they’ll stop you first.”

kara laughs, “i’d like to see them try.” her words are punctuated with a kick to the man’s skull, incapacitation or death, kara is not sure and in this moment, she does not care.

she moves forward along the hallway, so aware of the stampede of booted feet charging in her direction. she knows it’s eight men, armed, but their guns are no threat to her. kara knows there is a possibility of cadmus holding weapons that could do her some harm, yet the thought does not scare her. the thought that they may try and stop her only serves to fuel her on.

the armed men appear and kara ploughs through them all with a burst of speed and strength. she leaves in her wake a heap of groaning and injured men, some of whom try to scramble up and follow. yet when they stand, they are face to face with supergirl as they have never seen her. she is standing, and she watches them with satisfaction and she asks again “agent danvers,” a long pause, watching the men groan and wince “where are they keeping her?”

there is silence save for the mumblings of men and then –

another cry, louder than before, more anguished than before.

kara’s body is on fire as she turns, chasing the noise through the corridor, along hallways. but the sound is fading and kara is haunted. she is sick in her stomach and she is angry,

oh, she is angry.

she sees a stunned look human standing near her, eyes wide and shock written across her face. kara advances on the human, “a captive was brought here,” she says “a day or two ago. a woman. she’s being tortured. where are they holding her?”

the woman looks terrified “s-supergirl please.” she’s stammering “i-i don’t know.”

“are you sure?” kara presses, “you must know something.” she is snarling now.

“down,” the woman says, “subfloor three, block c. that’s, i don’t know! please don’t hurt me!”

kara drops her, unaware that she had even picked her up. she is moving away from the spluttering crying woman, moving through hallways, looking for stairs that lead her down. on some level kara is aware of the people who try and stop her but keeping them at bay takes little effort at all. she moves through the building, aware of the panic sweeping through, but finding herself immune to it all.

only when she emerges on subfloor three do things seem to get interesting.

a formation of armed guards are standing, guns pointed at her.

she cocks her head, surveying them.

“you’re too late.” one of them sneers.

kara turns her attention to him, to his wild eyes. it takes a beat but, oh she recognises this man.

“am i really now duke?”

the man recognised as one of alex’s kidnappers barely falters, but kara sees the uncertainty in his eyes as she singles him out by name “it’s bad news for you if i am.” she says, meaning every word she speaks “do you want to know why?” no one speaks and kara lets herself go on “think of agent danvers as the angel on my shoulder. always telling me when enough is enough.“ her voice gets darker “tell me where she is.”

a beat, a pause, then “light her up.” is the reply.

an explosion of bullets erupt from the guns and this time, well this time there is something different. it’s not pain, exactly. yet it’s a discomfort of an unusual level. kara wonders if they’ve tried lacing kryptonite with the bullets, but,

“artificial kryptonite?” she questions, moving forward without hesitation “did you really think that would stop me?” she cuts her way through the men with fire from her eyes until she is face to face with the man called duke “tell me,” kara says slowly, deliberately “where the good agent is.”

“it won’t matter.” duke replies, blood in his smile “you’re too late. your precious agent is dead. not even you can change that.”

his bloody thirsty smile shakes something loose in kara and she snaps his neck, dropping him, pushing him aside. she strides on, determined to find out for herself if his words were a lie.

there are more men with more bullets and kara finds herself barely challenged by them. she sweeps them out of her way without a second thought. she is on the right track, that much she knows when –

all of a sudden alex’s heartbeat erupts in her ears. moments after that, alex is being dragged, bloody and semi-conscious into the hallway by a man with an arm around her throat and a gun to her heard.

“stop where you are.” the man kara recognises as the interrogation specialist says, “don’t move another muscle.”

kara freezes, she scans alex and sees a myriad of injuries. she sees broken bones and cuts and bruises and –

“i will kill her.” the man says “i will shoot her in the head if you take one step closer.”

“alex,” kara says, ignoring the man and his threats “alex, look at me.”

alex, incoherent, tries to do as commanded but her head lolls sideways. she has so little energy left.

“you will let me leave.” the man says, trying to drag alex forward, but she is dead weight.

“i don’t think so.” kara says icily “let agent danvers go.” she says “or i will remove you.”

“remove me?” the man laughs “you wouldn’t. you’re like your cousin, don’t know when –“

alex moves in an instant, using what must be all the energy she has left to ram her elbow into the solar plexus of the man holding her at gunpoint. the man crumbles and kara is moving forward, charging forward and pulling alex from the man’s arms. she is hauling alex behind her as the gun goes off.

“i’ve got you.” kara says, but her attention is still focused on the man.

the man who hurt alex, the man who did this to her, who orchestrated her suffering.

kara is charging after him as he scrambles back, fleeing down the hall. she catches him in a moment, throwing him against the wall, a hand against his throat, pinning him there. he splutters and tries to speak but,

she watches him struggle. she can hear the frantic beating of his heart. she can feel blood slipping sliggishly past her fingers around his throat. she can hear his lungs to work and failing with every attempt. she can hear the bones in his neck starting to bend, starting to - 

“supergirl!” a voice cries out from the other end of the hall, and kara whips around to see lucy, standing there “drop him.” lucy says “you don’t need to do that.”

need and want are two different things in this moment for kara, but she listens.

she drops the man, leaves him heaving on the ground. she moves down the hallway without a word to alex, scooping her up and into her arms.

“is she?” lucy starts.

“alive.” kara nods.

“good.” lucy says, but there’s something else in her eyes, something unexplainable “get her out of here. we’re clearing the rest of the complex.”

“how did you find me?” kara asks “this place is a maze.”

“you don’t want me to answer that.” lucy replies. 

“why not?” kara presses “lucy tell me.”

“kara,” lucy says “kara i followed the bodies.”

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you everyone for you kind words and kudos on this story thus far. i am on tumblr at 4beit, feel free to come shout at me there.


	8. chapter seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she coaxes kara into calming down with a hand on her shoulder and steady breaths. all of this while maggie finds herself shaking, shaking from the exertion of leaving the hospital and making her way to the deo. not to mention the spiral of fear that grasped her as she saw kara, covered in blood, covered in so much blood, on the floor. she wants to know if it’s alex’s, but at the same time maggie wonders the implications if it’s not.

kara is standing in the hallway outside the medical bay with her eyes closed. she’s focusing on the voices inside the room, trying to track the conversation. it’s difficult to follow when the over-arching sound that dominates kara’s attention are those of alex dying. her heartbeat is too fast, her breathing too shallow, there’s too much blood soaking into guaze. the hurried conversations by doctors and nurses are lost on kara no matter how hard she tries because alex is clinging to life.

alex is clinging to life and kara is powerless to help her. even though she rattled off every injury alex sustained upon her arrival, even though kara is soaked in her sisters blood, even though she’s soaked in other people’s blood –

she sags back against the wall hard enough to leave a dent.

she can’t breathe.

kara can’t, she just can’t breathe.

she curls against the floor and the wall, bringing her knees to her chest, pressing her forehead against her knees.

she can’t –

she wants to, but –

she lets out a gasping breath, a desperate plea for air, for her body to cooperate.

“kara,” a voice cuts through the haze of her own panic and she looks up, she sees maggie walking slowly, so slowly, towards her, one hand guarding her abdomen, the other guiding herself along the wall “kara, breathe.” maggie says slowly, gently.

“what-“ kara starts “you? the hospital?” she’s not speaking in sentences, but maggie understands all the same.

“i had to come.” she says through gritted teeth “i had to, alex,” she turns her head and looks towards the curtained windows of the medical bay.

“alive.” kara says “she’s alive.”

maggie lets out a relieved sort of sigh “and you?” she asks, level with kara now, standing next to her “how are you?”

kara shakes her head, this is not the time for the focus to be on her “it’s” kara says “she’s lost so much blood.” the cage around her chest threatens to tighten once more but kara ploughs on “they, what cadmus did, they”

maggie stops her gently “kara breathe.”

she coaxes kara into calming down with a hand on her shoulder and steady breaths. all of this while maggie finds herself shaking, shaking from the exertion of leaving the hospital and making her way to the deo. not to mention the spiral of fear that grasped her as she saw kara, covered in blood, covered in so much blood, on the floor. she wants to know if it’s alex’s, but at the same time maggie wonders the implications if it’s not. she –

there are footsteps behind them both and maggie, protective and hurting, turns. her eyes go wide and the last person she expected to see walking down the hall is standing there,

“lucy?” she asks, confused, concerned “what?”

lucy looks hesitant to approach, for reasons maggie understands. yet she can’t do the math and figure out why lucy is here, in the deo.

“it was cadmus.” lucy says “who took alex.”

maggie’s eyes go wide, she remembers hearing about cadmus. she remembers the long conversations that she and alex had, and –

“and you?” maggie nods towards lucy, still trying to understand.

“currently wanted,” lucy says “for treason, apparently.”

kara stills and maggie just blinks “i’m sorry, what?” she says “lane, you’re not making any sense.”

“no,” kara says, standing slowly “she is.”

lucy is frozen where she stands, eyes transfixed on kara. kara who is standing just behind maggie, but staring right back “she,” kara says “she found out information she wasn’t supposed to.” kara explains “information about cadmus, and when vas called, when vas told her that alex was gone,” kara swallows hard “she left. she came straight here. she stole national secrets and told them to an organisation that doesn’t exist. said organisation raided a government facility.”

kara’s voice is soft, but maggie understands every word.

“you-“ she says, looking at lucy “is it true?”

lucy nods “j’onn is running interference, but the army will show up for me sooner or later.”

“you saved alex’s life.” kara says softly.

“i did the right thing.” lucy replies.

maggie feels the moment passing, she can see lucy itching to move forward and disappear down the hall. she can only imagine what kara must be feeling.

“she’s still alive.” kara says, “she’s still, she’s fighting.”

“of course, she is.” lucy agrees, there’s a pause and then she takes a breath, like she’s going to say something and then doesn’t. 

kara says nothing, no matter how obvious it is that lucy wants to be told she can stay. kara will not yield, in fact, maggie feels her turn away as lucy does.

“don’t say it.” kara says quietly, once it is just the two of them alone again.

“i wasn’t going to.” maggie says “you don’t need me to.”

kara lets out a long sigh and says nothing. she knows maggie is right.

“i will say something though,” maggie breaks the silence “you should shower.”

“i’m not leaving her.”

“kara, you’re covered in blood.”

“i’m not-“

“she won’t be alone.” maggie says gently “i’ll be here. but you, you’re covered in blood. other people’s blood. you will feel better for being clean.”

kara debates, then “i’m getting you a chair.”

maggie nods “i would appreciate that.”

“does the hospital know you’ve left?” kara asks, scanning around for a chair.

“i signed out ama.” maggie says.

“that was stupid.”

“maybe it was.” maggie says, watching kara disappear into a nearby room and returning with a chair in one hand “but i would do it again.”

“i know you would.” kara says “but once,” she looks towards the room alex is in “once they’re done, please get checked out by the doctors.”

“maybe.” maggie agrees.

“not maybe.”

“go shower kara.” maggie pushes “i promise, you’ll feel better.” her words hit kara with a certain weight, and kara knows maggie is speaking from experience, not from hypothetical ideas

“i’ll be back.” kara says quietly, turning away and heading for alex’s office.

*

the door to the showers is locked and kara is standing, stock still staring down at her hands. they are red with blood, dried blood, someone else’s blood. she dares herself to look up, to face herself in a mirror and –

and it’s terrible.

her face spattered with blood.

her hair just the same.

so much blood.

“shit.” kara says, the single word echoing around the empty space, she doesn’t know how this happened, “shit, shit, shit.”

she closes her eyes, forcing a deep breath. she forces herself to focus on alex’s beating heart. the steady thrumming calms her, the reminder that alex is alive, that cadmus didn’t kill her. it grounds kara to the moment, it reminds her that whatever she did, it was all for alex.

her suit hits the floor with a soft sound that goes unnoticed as kara steps under the warm spray of the shower. the heat seeps into her skin, curling around her bones and it does feel good. kara has to keep her eyes closed when the water turns red as the blood is washed away. she can’t face the truth of what it means.

so, she doesn’t pay attention.

she keeps her eyes closed and she listens to the sound alex’s heart.

it’s not enough.

it’s not enough because blood stained water falls differently than the rest, and it leaves kara remembering the long walk back through the cadmus base. with alex in her arms kara almost didn’t notice the bodies she had left in her wake. some alive, most not. the silence of the halls broken only by her footsteps, alex’s ragged breathing and the sound of blood dripping into pools.

it’s haunting.

kara feels sick.

she rushes through the rest of her shower, unable to face being alone in the locker room with nothing but the distant sound of alex’s heart beating and the rush of far more present memories threatening to overwhelm her. dressing is a slow affair, noticing flecks of blood she didn’t quite wash away, but unable to stand the silence of her surroundings any longer.

walking back to the medical bay, dressed in alex’s old clothing, kara finds herself shaking. she can’t pin down why, perhaps exhaustion, perhaps fear, perhaps –

“better?” maggie asks as kara rounds the corner.

kara shakes her head “i need to see alex.” she says softly.

“the doctors are still with her.” maggie says “come sit with me.” she offers.

“i don’t have a chair.”

“i’m sure there’s another one somewhere.”

kara nods dazed and tired and it doesn’t take long for her to fish another chair from an empty classroom. she slides it into position next to maggies, collapsing down into it. she sits, staring at the door through which she can still hear doctors moving and treating.

maggie’s hand comes to kara’s knee and kara puts her hand over maggies.

they sit there, in silence, waiting.

*

_they’re sitting in the hallway still, hours later, not talking, just taking strength from the others company. kara’s ear has been trained on alex since she arrived back from her shower, however something now drags her attention away. footsteps. a series of footsteps. unusual in their manner,_

_dragging, shuffling footsteps._

_kara looks around for the source and her eyes widen,_

_cadmus agents._

_the man she kicked is walking towards her, blood seeping down the side of his face._

_the woman she pinned against the wall just behind him, her throat bruised and broken._

_duke behind them, bloody with a vacant stare._

_kara scrambles in her seat but she can’t move. she turns to look at maggie, but the person in the chair next to her is not maggie sawyer. no._

_it’s a frozen solider. he’s frozen in place, but his words are spluttering and heavy_

_“why?” he asks over and over and over again._

_kara looks around, trapped in her seat she’s wild and desperate to get away. yet the steady stream of bodies move on past her, one after the next. each bloody and bleeding, dead or dying._

_kara can’t breathe._

_she doesn’t know what to do. the man she recognises as the interrogation specialist is passing her now and he stops,_

_unlike the rest he’s not bleeding,_

_he’s not bruised._

_he’s smiling, but there is evil in his eyes._

_he says nothing, he just stares._

_he stares through her._

_“what do you want!” kara shouts “what do you want from me!”_

_the man says nothing, he simply looks away and marches on._

_they keep coming, around and around and around again and kara finds herself panicking, she finds herself unable to breathe. everything is compounded when the blood returns. the blood on her hands, thick and red and viscous and impossible to get rid of. it seeps into her clothing, her suit._

_kara blinks, she doesn’t know when she changed back into the suit._

_she doesn’t know how to escape this, this –_

she wakes suddenly, with a gasp and a shout. she’s no longer in the chair, she’s on the floor. she’s curled around herself and maggie is kneeling next to her.

“kara,” maggie is saying “kara look at me. look at me.”

it’s maggie.

not a frozen solider.

just maggie with deep concerned eyes and a gentle hand on kara’s shoulder.

“look at me.” maggie says “you’re okay. you’re okay. whatever you’re dreaming about, it’s not real.”

“i- they-“ kara says, looking wildly around the hall “they were here.” she gasps.

“who was?” maggie asks gently, “who was here?”

kara doesn’t want to say it.

she can’t say it.

“they were all here.” she repeats “walking, around and around. i couldn’t escape.”

“it was just a nightmare.” maggie coaxes “the only people here are you and me the doctors. and alex.” she says, “everyone else is heading home.”

“home?” kara croaks.

“it’s late.” maggie says “or early.”

kara feels tears in her eyes and she sits up slowly, hesitant to lean into maggie, but finding herself coaxed into that position anyway “you’re okay.” maggie promises “i’ve got you.”

kara can’t speak,

not yet.

she doesn’t want to explain to maggie what she did in the name of saving alex.

she can’t face it, doesn’t want to.

a door opens, and a doctor appears. there’s a flicker of confusion on her face as she sees the pair of them on the floor “agent danvers is stable.” she says as kara stands quickly, pulling maggie up with her.

she hears maggie wince and groan and kara wraps an arm around her waist to stabilise her.

the doctor gives them a moment and then continues “she has numerous injuries, broken bones, lacerations to some of her internal organs, not to mention any number of cuts and bruises.” there’s a pause “she went through the ringer.”

silence for a beat.

“but,” the doctor says, “she should make a full recovery.”

both maggie and kara let out exhales of relief.

“she is going to be spending a long time in the deo, healing.”

“can we see her?” kara asks quickly.

the doctor nods, looking from kara, to maggie “you may.” she says “but, it seems you’ve torn your stitches detective. i’d like to get that sorted first.”

maggie nods, grunts her appreciate “if you don’t mind.”

“this way,” the doctor says, gesturing to an adjacent medical bay “if you like, kara,” she says “you may go in.”

kara’s not sure if she’s prepared.

she not sure if she can do it.

“go,” maggie encourages “go see her.”

so kara does.

the room is quiet and darkened. alex is laying in a bed, surrounded by wires and fluids and she looks oh so pale. she looks smaller than kara has ever seen her. it’s –

“alex.” kara whispers, her voice cracking “alex.” she says again,

she doesn’t know what more to say.

“i’m sorry.” is what spills from her lips next “i’m so sorry.” kara says, standing stock still and speaking to her sister from a distance “i tried to find you.” she explains “i tried but i couldn’t. i – and they did this.” kara’s eyes are wide and her heart is breaking “i’m sorry.” kara repeats “i’m sorry.” she says.

the courage to take a step forward comes slowly, it comes not all at once but in stutters and stops until kara stumbles into the railing of alex’s bed, grabbing it just to stay standing.

one of alex’s arms is in a cast, there’s a splash of bruising across her face that will turn black and blue in a matter of hours. she’s in a hospital gown which does little to stop kara from knowing there are bandages around alex’s ribs. she looks,

well,

she looks beaten.

kara sags where she stands, curling the metal under her hands.

“alex,” she says “alex i’m sorry.”

she can’t stop apologising, the same words keep spilling from her lip, keep wrenching themselves from her chest because if she says them enough maybe they will undo some of the damage before her.

yet kara knows that type of magic does not exist. she knows only time and medicine will heal alex.

she stands, staring, watching the rise and fall of alex’s chest. she works a hand under the blanket and finds alex’s wrist, she rests her fingers along the butterfly of alex’s pulse. kara allows herself to be overwhelmed by the solidness of alex’s presence.

she is here.

she is alive.

she is injured.

it is kara’s fault.

the thoughts cycle through kara’s mind all at once, over and over again. she’s crying silent tears, they roll down her cheeks and kara is unable to stop them. not even when the door opens and maggie, bandages anew over her incision steps in, does kara even try and corral them.

“oh alex.” maggie breathes, her voice wet and her hands shaking “jesus, ally.” she breathes.

it’s a nickname kara’s never heard used before, but it rolls off maggie’s tongue with such ease it does not feel intrusive.

“what did they do to you?” maggie asks, but it’s not a question, it’s a,

it’s a vocalisation of anguish, of pain.

it’s maggie standing next to kara with matching tears rolling down her cheeks. it’s kara trying to stay there, trying to stay put,

but she can’t.

she can’t do it, not faced with what she is so sure is her fault.

“kara,” maggie is saying as kara steps back “kara wait.”

kara stills.

“don’t go.” maggie says slowly “don’t run away.” she breathes “i know it looks horrible, but this, what happened, is not your fault.”

kara cannot speak.

“you can’t run. not now. alex needs you. she needs your strength.”

a beat.

“kara, she’s your sister. you saved her. you need to be here.”

“what if i can’t stay?”

“you can.” maggie promises “you can. i’ll be right here with you.”

kara looks over at you “yeah?”

“yeah,” maggie says “i’m not going anywhere.”

kara lets out a shaking breath and lets maggie’s hand curl around her wrist, she lets maggie guide her back to the bedside.

“just breathe,” maggie says, her voice barely a whisper “it’s okay.”

“it’s not.” kara says “it’s not maggie, look at her.”

“she’s alive.” maggie says “that’s what i see. i see alex alive.”

kara tries to see the same,

she does.

she can’t.

she sees blood and she sees dying. she sees trauma that would not have happened if not for her.

she sees her failure.

“let’s sit.” maggie says quietly.

so, they do.

they sit, they wait, they watch.

**


	9. chapter eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the people she killed.
> 
> the lives she took.
> 
> haunting her, demanding something from her.
> 
> what that is, kara doesn’t know. she can’t imagine what part of herself is left to give. the best of her is gone, the worst of her remains.

two days pass and alex remains unconscious.

the doctors explain that it is normal, that her injuries are severe, and her trauma is worse. they explain that it is nothing to be worried about. their words do not stop kara and maggie and j’onn and vas and lucy and the entirety of the deo from worrying. except alex is not the only one the latter four of those people are worried about, for as the hours bleed into days and the longer it is that alex remains unawakened,

the quieter kara becomes. the quieter she become, the deeper the shadows in her eyes get until finally, she just stops talking altogether. she becomes a ghost in the halls, pale and dressed in alex’s clothes. she lingers near maggie at the best of times and stays in the shadows of alex’s room, standing, or sitting, in the corner, knees pulled to her chest with her eyes closed. the worry is great, but no one seems to be able to shake words from kara, so,

so maggie stops trying.

she stops trying to force kara to talk and instead, she stays close. she keeps an eye on both of the danvers girls because there’s nothing else she wants to do besides taken her antibiotics and rest and keep an eye on them. it’s an easy job, terribly so when kara stops venturing from the room altogether.

“should we bring someone in,” vas asks one day when kara has resumed wandering “to talk to her?”

her meaning kara.

lucy sighs softly, full of concern, but it is j’onn who speaks “not right now.” he says “what happened to kara, the lengths she went to, those are difficult for anyone to process.” he pauses “we all remember the first life we took, now imagine that but it’s the first twenty-six lives you’ve taken, done in one swoop.”

“and what about alex?” vas asks, “any update?”

“she’ll wake when she’s ready.” j’onn says.

“you’ve got telepathy.” lucy says “couldn’t you, you know…” she trails off.

j’onn shakes his head “alex can’t consent.” he says “i won’t breach that trust.”

it’s a fair enough answer but it leaves the three of them sitting around a table, cooling cups of coffee in front of them and silence spreading.

*

kara is sitting, not in the med bay, the sight of alex so pale and broken rips her already shattered heart. so instead, she sits in a corner of the cafeteria, a shadowed corner where she can sit and watch the rest of the deo continue on with their lives. cadets come and eat, agents appear at all hours of the day and night seeking out ice cream. during any other time, that singular fact would amuse kara, not tonight.

a door on the far wall opens and kara’s breathing stills as lucy walks in. twice now has lucy come, eaten and disappeared back into the depths of the deo. kara’s not sure what she’s working on, or what she’s doing still here but,

lucy is walking towards her, making a bee-line.

“kara,” lucy says, her voice soft “kara can i sit?”

kara doesn’t say anything, she shrugs, she blinks.

lucy uses one hand to pull out a chair, the metal scrapes along the concrete floor and the sound is gut-twisting, even to kara. out of the corner of her eye, kara watches lucy sit, she watches lucy place food on the table, pushing it across to kara “eat.” she says “you need to eat.”

lucy receives no reply.

“you can’t neglect yourself.” lucy pushes “you need food.”

kara knows she’s right. kara knows she needs to eat. she also knows that she should be pushing lucy away, that she should be angry and shouting and,

and yet she can not bring herself to be either of those things. she has missed lucy more than she cares to say, and having her here – even only for a moment – is something better than nothing. yet still she guards her heart.

kara fingers twitch and she reaches for the twix that lucy brought. it is not the pinnacle of health, but it’s something, it’s a start.

she unwraps it in silence, eats half in the same quiet contemplation of her actions. her thoughts are only broken when lucy asks quietly, hesitantly “can i stay?” she asks “can i sit with you?”

kara pauses,

she wants to say no. she really does, but lucy’s words light something inside of her. something she can’t ignore or turn away in this moment.

kara nods.

lucy lets out a sigh of relief “thank you.” she murmurs, settling into her chair.

kara says nothing.

*

the next day, in the med bay, kara is sitting next to maggie. her eyes are trained on alex’s face, but her hand is on maggie’s knee. it’s the first contact they’ve had since kara stopped speaking. maggie did not make a deal of it, she simply covered kara’s hand with her own and squeezed once. it was enough, enough to tether kara to her for a moment, a moment that turned into minutes, into hours.

they sit, side by side, maggie sharing her lunch with kara and encouraged when kara eats small bites.

it’s something, hope amongst the silence.

kara does not move from the chair, not when maggie has to remove herself to get checked over by a doctor and take her medication. she does not move when maggie returns, she barely reacts when maggie’s hand comes to her knee.

no,

the first sign of emotion across kara’s face is when alex’s fingers twitch. her fingers twitch and a soft moan escapes alex’s lips. a soft moan that morphs into a word,

“kara?” alex slurs.

kara grabs at alex’s hand, holding it so gently it makes maggie ache.

alex’s head turns and eyes meet, maggie and alex. maggie lets out a wet exhale, a breath she’d been holding since alex disappeared.

“mags,” she says, “where am i?”

“the deo.” maggie replies “you’re at the deo. you’re safe.”

kara is crying silent tears. they are rolling down her cheeks, they are soaking into the blankets covering alex. she is bent double with what maggie hopes is relief. it’s hard to tell, harder to explain when alex looks up at maggie, concern in her eyes. alex’s free hand, the one in the cast, comes to the back of kara’s head, fingers scratching lightly and maggie watches alex use a small lifetime of energy to say

“kara, kara i’m okay. i’m alive.”

still kara does not speak, she cries and holds alex’s hand. alex repeats her words over and over again, yet kara is shattering in a way she will not explain. alex slips asleep again and kara’s tears stop. she’s pulling away from maggie, she is standing.

“kara,” maggie says “where are you going?” she asks

this time kara does not stop. she does not wait.

she is out the door before maggie can consider going after her.

*  
on the rooftop kara curls in on herself. she wraps her arms around her shins and stares, unblinkingly at the city spread around her. this time, in the back of her mind, she hears the steady rhythm of alex’s heart and with that, kara loses herself in the sounds of the city. she closes her eyes, exhaustion tugging at her but a deeper fear of sleep keeping her from even attempting the action.

she counts cars running red lights by the clicks of traffic cameras. she counts the number of people being proposed to in the city. she tracks a bike messenger listening to a song kara’s never heard before. she hears guns going off and she hears the underpinnings of darkness that always lurk in the cities shadows. tonight, however kara is not so inclined to go forth and shed light. she is not so inclined to do anything but sit here and let nightmares find her.

the people she killed.

the lives she took.

haunting her, demanding something from her.

what that is, kara doesn’t know. she can’t imagine what part of herself is left to give. the best of her is gone, the worst of her remains.

but alex is alive, she reminds, alex is alive and that counts for something.

it counts for a lot as far as kara is concerned. that alex is alive, that she is awake or, was awake. she is sleeping now, kara knows. elsewhere in the building kara can hear the soft murmurs of people she recognises, her ears prick on lucy’s heartbeat, on her breathing.

kara’s stomach twists and she searches elsewhere. she allows her attention to be diverted to the city again. the taxi cabs with the horns blaring and the sounds of planes drifting overhead, full of people with places to be and people who loved them.

the city is alive and for the first time in a long time, kara does not. she feels as if she’s drowning. she feels underwater, a world away from the people living their lives around her. there is some unimaginable distance between herself and the rest of the world, a distance she does not care to figure out how to cross.

*

kara only stirs from the rooftop when she hears alex wake up once again.

it has been six hours, a summer storm has come and gone and kara revelled in the way the lightning cracked and sparked around her. she let the thunder shake her bones. she stayed, soaking wet and silent until the sun rose, and she heard alex stirring in her bed.

she moves silently through the halls, ignoring the looks of people around her. they know better than to ask. the med bay is busy and kara still at the far end of the hall as she sees vas and j’onn walking into alex’s room. she watches from a distance as maggie walks out, moving slowly, gingerly.

maggie sees her.

“kara,” she says, half expecting kara to run.

kara does not run.

she stands, lets maggie approach “you’re soaking.” maggie murmurs.

kara just nods.

“you should change.” maggie says “into something dry, something warmer.”

she’s not cold, but maggie seems to pick up on that.

“you’ll be more comfortable.” maggie says instead “i promise.” her fingers are light around kara’s wrist and kara can’t find it in herself to break away.

so instead, she allows herself to be lead away. as they walk, maggie talks. she explains “alex’s vitals are looking really good.” she explains “she’s in pain but taking her medication. she’ll want to see you.”

kara wants to see her too.

“we’ll go back there, once you’re changed. you two can” maggie pauses “you two can have some time.” kara nods twice, feels maggie’s hand skate up her back “let’s get this wet stuff off you.” she says, “you do that, i’ll go find some more of alex’s gear?”

kara nods again.

she watches, listens as maggie leaves and slowly, slowly now peels one sopping wet layer after another off of her. she grabs a towel from the shelf and wraps it around herself, suddenly chilly. she stands there, waiting in the silence as she hears maggie rummaging around in alex’s office a floor away. she hears a soft conversation and then maggie’s footsteps are returning.

“got some.” maggie says as she walks back into the room “and,” she pauses, unsure “this as well. a new one. winn said you might want it.”

kara knows maggie is holding out her suit.

she doesn’t want to touch it, doesn’t want to see the crest.

she lets it fall as maggie hands her the pile of clothing. she watches the suit crumple in a heap on the floor.

“it’s yours.” maggie says “for when you’re ready.”

kara’s not sure she’ll ever be ready.

“i’ll let you change.” maggie says, moving backwards, moving out of the room.

she leaves kara standing there, stock still.

for long minutes kara does not move. she stands, unsteady and unsure of what exactly she wants. it’s not that she want to spend the rest of her day standing in a towel. it’s that she both does and doesn’t want to touch the suit. the last time she held it, her hands her covered in blood. _she_ was covered in blood.

now,

now she’s covered in the same blood. it’s drenched her, down to her soul, through her soul, kara thinks. she’s covered in other people’s blood. haunted by the lives they no longer have.

she hears an approaching recruitment class of cadets and knows she needs to make a decision fast.

kara hesitates, she can’t pick, she can’t pick, she –

she grabs the suit and with the rest of the clothes maggie brought her, moves into an empty toilet stall.

*

the medical bay is mercifully empty by the time kara returns. j’onn and vas, who’s she’s made a point to avoid, are nowhere to be seen. it’s only maggie and alex.

alex who is still awake and talking quietly to maggie.

kara hears a snippet of their conversation without meaning to –

_”-she okay?”_ alex asks, voice hoarse.

_”i think she will be.”_ maggie says _”she just,-“_

_”what happened?”_ alex asks _”i know there’s something you and j’onn and vas aren’t telling me about how you found me, about what happened once you did.”_

_”kara needs to tell you.”_ maggie says _”it’s not my story to tell.”_

_”maggie-“_ alex starts, but kara does not hear the rest of her sister sentence.

her attention is caught, midway through by something else. something threatening. she hears bootsteps. she hears whispered orders and

_”we’re here for first lieutenant lucy lane.”_ a commanding voice says, a voice kara recognises _”she’s to be arrested under the authority of the united states government for stealing secrets.”_

kara is moving before she knows why she’s doing it. she’s running through the halls because she can hear lucy standing, she can hear lucy’s resigned sigh and no –

kara is not having it. not today.

she’s ripping off her clothes as she runs, leaving them in shreds behind her. she doesn't care.

kara as supergirl skids to a halt in the command centre directly between lucy lane and the army officials sent to arrest her, general lane and his cohort.

“get out of the way supergirl.” the general spits “you have no jurisdiction here.”

kara does not move, she can hear lucy behind her, the soft murmur of

“what are you doing?”

kara takes a breath and she stares down general lane “you’re not taking major lane anywhere.”

the general sneers “did she not tell you-“

“oh, she did general,” kara says and her voice is ice. she’s stepping forward and there’s a crowd forming now “she told me everything.”

“you have no power to stop us.” general lane says, “we will be arresting the first lieutenant.”

“no.” kara says “you won’t. you’re going to leave here, while you still can.”

“what makes you think –“

kara stops him before he can even get the question out “you don’t have the right types of weapons to try and stop me. you think your artificial kryptonite is nearly powerful enough?” kara is on a roll and she’s edging closer, she is unafraid “it’s not. your boys at cadmus tried and they couldn’t stop me.”

“supergirl-“ lucy says “supergirl-“

kara turns and she looks at lucy “you did the right thing,” kara says “and i’m not letting you get punished for it.” as she’s speaking kara hears the general moving.

she knows he’s raising his gun and you know he’s preparing to shoot. you hear the crowd around you pulling out their weapons and you know if a shot goes off, bedlam will ensue.

so, you act fast. you whip around and your grab the barrel of his gun, turning it to dust in your hands.

“you’re not armed for a fight.” she hisses “you’re outnumbered and outmatched.”

“you have no jurisdiction-“

“i don’t care.” kara says “you’re not taking her.”

she stares him down, daring him to move, daring him to reach for his back-up weapon.

he stares back at her, unblinking, unyielding.

tension in the room is palpable and kara is thinking only of lucy’s racing heart and of the way she’s not breathing. the moment drags on and on, kara an unstoppable force, and general lane –

he lets out an angry sigh, a moveable object.

“you’ll pay for this.” he says, and then his gaze slides past kara, to lucy “and you,” he says “you’re a goddamn disgrace. you’ll pay for your actions as well.”

lucy says nothing.

kara follows the general and his team back out of the building, standing with her arms crossed, daring him to act.

he doesn’t.

she watches them drive away, grim satisfaction settling in her stomach.

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the lack of an update yesterday, i was busy all day at a convention and by the time i got home i was too exhausted and feeling too unwell to post.
> 
> thank you to everyone who's still enjoying this story!


	10. chapter nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kara takes a shaking breath, she looks out, past lucy, at the city around them. it moves on, unaware of the unfoldings above.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: blood - tw: panic attacks

the hallways are buzzing as kara walks back towards the med bay. it’s maggie who kara sees first “what happ-?” she starts to say but kara lets out a long sigh and shakes her head “are you okay?” maggie redirects her question.

kara takes another breath and nods. she decides that she is, for now.

she wants to see alex. even though the thought makes her heart race. she moves slowly, past maggie, who seems to understand where she’s going and that to do this, she needs to be alone. 

moving into the room, kara is relieved to see alex sitting up, relieved to see alex looking far worse for wear, but alive. it makes kara’s heart slow just a little. 

“hey,” alex says gently. 

kara’s stuck, her words are stuck and she doesn’t know what to do, what to say to her sister.

“kara,” alex says after a beat “kara please, can you look at me?” kara swallows hard and looks up, meeting alex’s gaze “what happened?” alex asks gently “what happened? maggie says you’re not talking, she – did someone hurt you?”

kara’s heart nearly breaks with it all because of all the people to ask her that question it should not be alex. she can hear the way alex’s brow is furrowed and she can hear alex gripping at the sheets. kara knows she’s too far away to be pulled into alex’s arms and -

“no,” she says quietly, looking away from alex “no, it’s not that.”

“then what?” alex presses, reaching for kara’s hand.

“i-“ kara stops, she swallows hard “i-“ her voice is wavering, she looks at alex and sees the people she had to kill to get her sister back “i can’t-“ she’s backing out of the room, she’s nearly running into maggie who’s wide eyed and confused, who’s reaching out to her but not fast enough.

in the back of her mind she can hear maggie moving into the room. she can hear maggie wrapping her arms around alex, both keeping in bed and calming her down. kara knows, she knows alex would chase after her regardless of her physical condition.

part of her is glad maggie is there and a larger part of kara feels sick. her stomach is in knots and god,

god she doesn’t know what to do.

she flees, she flees to the roof, to her place of safety. up here it’s the wind and the noise of a city to drown out her own racing thoughts. kara heaves and gags.

she’s not sure why her body is reacting this way. all she can think of are the dead men’s eyes and their blood.

all the blood. the blood she can still feel on her hands, hot and sticky, dry and itchy. she can’t get rid of the feeling of it on her neck, in her hair. she sees the water run red every time she washes her hands or takes a shower. she’s stuck with the blood of men on her hands more than she ever has been before.

she’s stuck like this, sitting on all fours, gasping and panting. her hands are curling into concrete. she doesn’t know what to do, what to say. she barely remembers how to breathe.

kara lays out on her back, arms spread, willing the sun to burn her alive. she doesn’t know what to do, how to cope with this.

she is panicking.

she’s consumed by the panic of what she’s done and what it means and –

“kara,” there’s a voice from the doorway,

not maggie,

not alex,

no,

lucy.

lucy who is standing, and she is saying “don’t leave. don’t fly away.” she’s saying quickly “please stay.”

the sight of her.

oh, the sight of her makes kara tremble and she’s gasping and choking on her own rapid breaths. she’s trying to centre herself but there’s nothing of her to centre. she’s lost herself. she’s- kara is nodding in broken gasps. she couldn’t fly right now if she tried.

lucy is moving closer now. she is walking with slow deliberate steps towards kara. she is giving kara every chance to flee. yet kara is too tired, she is too exhausted to move any further. she’s reaching for lucy with two fingers, needing someone, needing lucy to ground her. to help her. she can hear lucy’s heartbeat racing, she can lose herself in that as she has done before.

she hears lucy’s knees press into the concrete and she hears lucy’s hesitation before one of kara’s hands is taken. she hears the way lucy’s barely breathing, and the way she’s controlling how hard she holds kara’s hand.

“can you sit up, kara?” she’s asking gently “can you do that?”

kara isn’t sure but she tries, she sits up in slow movements, still panicking and gasping. lucy is pulling kara into her arms. she is wrapping kara up, she is pulling her close. she is murmuring things she learned a long time ago helped _“you’re okay,”_ lucy promises _“you’re safe here. no one else can see. no one else will know. you’re okay. you can breathe. that’s all you have to do for me. just breathe.”_

lucy talks a stream of words that kara does not register, does not process. she can’t, not right now. not when her heart is beating so quickly in her chest, threatening to break against her ribs. what her brain picks up through it all is how gentle lucy’s words are. her words are soft, and they curl around kara.

she’s missed this.

kara knows she shouldn’t feel that too right now, amongst everything else. except she does, she’s missed how solid lucy is next to her.

“that’s it.” lucy encourages as kara fights to slow her breathing “you’re doing so well. i’ve got you.”

kara, who has spent so many of the last days trying to resist this,

gives in. she allows herself to be pulled back into lucy’s orbit. she allows lucy’s touch to calm and to soothe. she allows lucy to ground her. she grips at lucy, she holds her close. she can’t help it now. she feels lucy’s arms around her, lucy’s hands at her back, in her hair.

“that’s it.” lucy murmurs, her hand running through kara’s hair “take it easy.”

kara wants to speak but she’s not sure she can. she feels her chest tightening, but it’s lucy who stops it all. it’s lucy who keeps her words calm and her grip sure. she is steady where kara is not, and that gives her the strength to speak, to voice what’s eating at her.

“i can’t,” kara replies “lucy, i can’t-“ she tries to find the words, but she’s choking and panicking.

“you don’t have to.” lucy says “i’m not going anywhere. just, breathe. breathe for me.”

kara takes a shaking breath and buries her face in the crook of lucy’s neck. she allows lucy’s familiar scent to calm her further. she allows herself to be lost in lucy’s embrace. lucy is familiar in all the ways kara’s missed. her perfume and her deodorant and everything else that reminds kara of nights spent doing something quite different.

“i see them,” kara murmurs “every time i close my eyes. i see them.”

“who?” lucy asks in return.

“the-“ kara says “the people i killed. the cadmus agents. it’s like, it’s like they want something from me but i don’t know what to give them.”

“it’s hard to take a life.” lucy says “especially our first few. we process it differently, all of us.” her words are soft, and her hands are gentle in kara’s hair, on her back.

“it’s like they want me to feel bad.” kara says “they want me to regret what i did.”

“do you?” kara’s breath catches in her chest and she pulls back to look at lucy. one of lucy’s hands comes to kara’s cheek, swiping away stray tears “it’s okay if you don’t.” she says, “there’s nothing wrong with not regretting it.”

“but i feel like i’m supposed to.” kara says “i- my cousin, my family, not killing.” the words are not a sentence, but she can’t make them work.

“alex is your family too.” lucy reminds.

“i would do it all again for her.” kara says quietly “i would kill again for her,” she says “and i think, i think that’s what scares me the most. i look at alex and i realise, i would burn the world for her.”

“i know you would.” lucy says.

kara takes a shaking breath, she looks out, past lucy, at the city around them. it moves on, unaware of the unfoldings above.

“there’s nothing wrong with feeling like that.”

“how is there not?” kara presses.

“because we’d all be half as lucky to have you feel the same for us.” lucy says, and then she stops, she looks away “i’m sorry.” she says. 

“you saved alex.” kara says.

“you did that.” lucy replies “you did that.” there’s a pause and then “thank you.”

kara swallows hard, she can hear alex’s worry “you did nothing wrong.” 

“but kara,” lucy says, feeling kara preparing to pull away “kara there’s nothing wrong with talking to someone about how you feel. a therapist. to help you process.” she swallows hard “you should consider it.”

kara stands and she nods and she’s moving away “i will.” she says, moving away from lucy before her emotions get the better of her.

*

“kara,” maggie breathes in relief as kara descends back into the deo “are you okay?” she asks, her hand coming to kara’s arm, curling around her bicep gently.

kara swallows hard “i don’t think so.” she says “i-i need to talk to alex.”

“i think that’s a good idea.” maggie says “she’s really worried. so am i.”

“i’m sorry.” kara says “i-“

“you don’t have to apologise.”

“no, i –“ kara doesn’t know what to say, so she stops trying. instead she focuses on maggie’s hand moving to her back and the distant sound of lucy coming down the stairs from the roof. kara’s heart aches.

“kara,” alex says and she looks as if she was ready to get out of bed and hunt her down “kara, are you okay?”

“i’ll give you two room to talk.” maggie says gently, stepping back, closing the door.

kara is standing, she is looking at alex and she is shaking in her boots.

“kara,” alex says “what happened?”

“alex, i –“ she doesn’t know how to tell alex this, but the words are rising in her chest before she can stop them “i killed people.” she says, unable to look at her sister “i killed twenty-six people.”

alex says nothing and kara carries on.

“they were all cadmus. they – i could hear you screaming and i,” she’s tripping over her own words “i didn’t know i was doing it, i didn’t know i was killing them. but you were screaming and i,” kara’s eyes are shining with tears “i don’t like that i did it.” her voice is shaking “but i would do it all again, for you.”

“oh kara,” alex breathes “kara come here.” she’s says, opening her arms.

kara’s not sure if she can.

“kara please,” alex says, her voice cracking “i need to hug you and tell you it’s okay.”

kara’s eyes are bright and she’s moving across the room, placing herself as gently as possible into her sisters arms. she feels alex holding her tight, she feels alex gripping at her, pressing a kiss to her neck and murmurs “it’s okay. it’s, i’m sorry you had to kill people.” she says “but, what you’re feeling, it’s all okay. it’s all natural.”

and this time, when kara breaks, it is not panic, it is not fear,

it is hearing alex say those words,

hearing alex reassure her.

she caves into alex’s arms.

“get up here.” alex murmurs and kara doesn’t hesitate to clamber up onto the bed.

she has more control this way, more control to not hurt alex but still be in her arms. kara climbs onto the bed, feeling it give beneath her. she feels alex’s arm wrap around her, pulling her close. kara can hear all of alex’s fragile bones and she knows alex is in some degree of pain. she hears alex’s heart and her breathing and all the things that remind her alex is here, alex is alive.

it takes longer than kara would like for her to realise that alex is crying to, that tears are rolling down alex’s cheeks and into kara’s hair.

“am i hurting you?” kara mumbles, preparing to shift her weight.

“no.” alex says “don’t move.”

so kara doesn’t and she lays there, and she cries and alex cries and there’s something about that, about mutual tears and the solidity of each other’s presence that is soothing. that tethers them both to the moment, instead of the daunting reality of their nightmares.

“what did cadmus want?” kara asks sometime later, her words soft and murmured. 

she can feel alex tense next to her and kara prepares an apology, but instead it is alex who speaks next with “you,” she says softly “they wanted you.” she takes a shaking breath, her words slurring as she starts to fall asleep once again “your identity, they wanted me to give it up. but i didn’t. i would never.” 

“they would have killed you.” 

“it would have been worth it.” alex mumbles, before she falls asleep. 

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise! not only are there two updates in a day, but i recently discovered that i am **Bad** at math. i had two chapters labelled chapter nine. which with only one chapter nine, plus the prologue would bring us to ten chapters. except now we have a surprise chapter making itself known. so, you get two updates today and what i can only hope is the true last chapter tomorrow.


	11. chapter ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> she takes the time to study alex, the way alex is studying her. alex has a black eye and a shattered cheekbone from the looks of it. she has a myriad of bruises from where she fought and kicked and refused to go down quietly.
> 
> lucy sees a soldiers scars.

it is the next afternoon when lucy finally makes an appearance in alex’s room.

kara in alex’s office, asleep at the request of her sister. and her sisters doctor, who insisted that the two of them sharing a bed was not a good idea.

lucy knocks once on the doorframe and waits for alex and maggie to look up, to register her presence.

“hi,” lucy says slowly “do you mind if i come in.”

alex doesn’t look surprised to see lucy and debates for a moment before maggie squeezes her hand encouragingly “sure.” alex relents.

“take my seat.” maggie says “i’m going to go get some lunch.”

lucy nods her thanks and sits down, the silence is thick and awkward. she takes the time to study alex, the way alex is studying her. alex has a black eye and a shattered cheekbone from the looks of it. she has a myriad of bruises from where she fought and kicked and refused to go down quietly.

lucy sees a soldiers scars.

a small eternity passes before alex finally speaks “kara tells me you’re the reason they found me.”

“that’s true.” lucy says “partially.”

“and kara said you’re wanted for stealing state secrets.”

“that’s also true.” lucy says “if not overreaching by my father.”

“kara said they came to arrest you.”

“they did.” lucy says, remembering the moment “kara stopped them.” she says, and in a breath “you should have seen her. she was so angry.” 

“of course, she was,” alex says “and not just because you helped save me.” lucy’s eyebrows furrow and alex sighs “don’t play dumb lane, it doesn’t suit you.”

“you’re certainly feeling better.” lucy replies and the banter feels so painfully close to normal it hurts.

alex snorts “hardly.” she says “i’m barely sleeping, but that is not the point.”

“what is the point then?” lucy asks “i didn’t come down here to get shouted at. i came to see how you’re doing. the last time i saw you, you were in pretty rough shape.”

alex lets out a long breath and relents “you broke her fucking heart lane.”

“i know.”

“no,” alex says “i don’t think you do. i don’t think you can begin to imagine what you did to kara.”

lucy doesn’t know what to say to that, so she says nothing. she allows alex the space to continue “you left her. you left her to go back to a warzone. i don’t know why you did, and i don’t care.” alex pauses for a breath and then keeps on going “but you’re here now and from the sounds if you, you’re stuck here.”

“i-“ lucy says “a deal has been made.”

“what kind of deal?” a voice from the doorway says, and lucy whips around to see kara standing there.

“dishonourable discharge,” lucy says “but no arrest. cadmus has a lot of off the record projects, it would look very bad for them to let it get dragged through the courts.” lucy explains with a sort of shadowed satisfaction.

“bullshit.” kara says, moving to the other side of alex’s bed "the discharge." she clarifies

“it’s not.” lucy says “it’s a good deal. i’m going to take it.”

alex’s gaze flits between them and then she looks to lucy “and then what?”

lucy lets out a long breath “i don’t know.” she admits “i don’t, i haven’t told lois any of this yet. i could crash with her for a while.” she sighs “jobs are hard to come by with a dishonourable discharge though.”

“you should come back to the deo,” kara says “as an agent.”

both lucy and alex look over at her, surprised.

kara blinks, playing unaware at their reaction “you would make a difference.” she says “you wouldn’t have paperwork and politics to worry about. you could just, you could focus on making a difference.”

“i-i” lucy isn’t sure, she’s taken aback and doesn’t know what to say.

“think about it.” kara says “think of it as a second chance.” she looks to alex “i’ll be back later.” she promises.

then she’s moving away, moving out of the med bay.

lucy is left speechless for longer than she would like. she looks over at alex, who’s frowning “you don’t approve?” she asks.

“i didn’t say that.” alex says.

“you’re frowning.”

“i am.” alex agrees.

“so why?”

“i’m trying to work out if that was my sister asking you out again.”

lucy chokes “i’m sorry, what?”

alex lets out a long breath “please lane, notice the details. kara saying you could think of it as a second chance. you really think she’s just talking about your deo career?”

lucy blinks owlishly.

“you’re a dumbass.” alex decides “and i’m in pain. want to refill my water bottle before you go chasing after my sister?”

lucy blinks again.

“earth to lane?” alex says, reaching with a hand and flicking her forehead “anyone home?”

lucy jolts and bats alex’s hand down gently “don’t do that.” she says.

“do what?” alex replies, holding out her water bottle.

“never mind.” lucy says, taking it and moving over to the sink “you think that’s what she meant?” she asks alex seriously.

“yeah,” alex says “i think she did. i think she left it vague, so she wouldn’t get her hopes up in case you left instead.”

“i already did that once.” lucy says, feeling water running over her hand “shit.” she says cutting the tap and putting the lid back on alex’s water bottle “i don’t think i want to do it again.”

alex takes the water bottle back “then go and talk to my sister.” she says reaching for her pain medication “before i regret encouraging you to do that.”

lucy takes a half step towards the door and then alex speaks again “oh but lucy”

“hm?” lucy turns to look at alex.

“if you break her heart again i will end you.”

words said with such finality that lucy shivers and nods “understood.” she says.

“so just be sure, before you go find her.”

“i will be.” lucy says “i am.”

she passes maggie on her way up, maggie who’s holding a couple of salads and some cans of coke. she stops lucy “you and alex have a good talk?” she asks.

“she threatened to end me.” lucy says “but yes, it was good.”

“she was pissed when you left.” maggie says “hurt.”

“she made that clear.”

“i’m making it clear too.” maggie says “but you’re a good person, lane, deep down. we’ve all fucked up, but i think you can fix this.”

“i think i can too.” lucy says “alex thinks kara asked me out.”

maggie shrugs “alex is pretty spot on with that kind of thing where kara’s concerned.” she says, moving back towards the med bay.

lucy’s not sure if that helps or not.

*

lucy finds kara on the roof. her mouth is dry, and her heart is nearly beating out of her chest she so nervous. she’s clenching and unclenching her hands into fists, running the palms of her hands along her jeans. the words she had so perfectly lined up in her head are now gone, leaving her with a dry mouth and nothing to say.

“hey luce,” kara says, seemingly not at all surprised to see her “i heard you coming up.” she explains.

lucy nods, coughs and finds words “oh, yeah, i, sure.”

“i like it up here.” kara says “i never,” she shrugs “i never came up here much before” she stumbles over her words “before alex disappeared. but during then, it was the quietest place i could find. the only place i could hear myself think.”

“it’s got a view as well.” lucy points out.

“that too.” kara says “that’s not bad.”

lucy comes and stands next to kara, shoulder to shoulder so they’re looking out at the same horizon. they stand together like this for a long time, the wind stronger up here, but lucy never afraid of falling. she tracks a flock of seagulls as they fly a few blocks over. she watch a plane move in for a landing.

lucy wonders if she could make a life here.

“did you mean it?” lucy asks, once she’s settled on an answer “what you said about a second chance?”

she’s so nervous she could puke.

“i did.” kara says, but she’s giving nothing away.

“what did you mean?” lucy asks on a moment of bravery.

kara looks over at her “you want to make a difference.” she says, “you can do that here.” she continues on “there’s a lot of changes happening, the deo is going to start focusing a little more on alien rights instead of just locking them away.” she says and lucy feels her heart breaking.

she thinks that alex was wrong and she’s lost her chance.

kara keeps going “you could help with that. or you could go out in the field, see the work you helped direct. you could make a difference there too. or do a little bit of both.” she says “you have options here. you deserve better than a dishonourable discharge.”

lucy doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t have any words left.

except kara’s not done yet “and,” kara says “if you were here, and you were interested still,” she pauses and then turns to look at lucy fully.

lucy is taken aback by the vulnerability in kara’s eyes.

“i’m still in love with you lucy.” kara whispers “i’ve tried to get over you, but i can’t. i just can’t do it. and if you were here and if you were interested, maybe we-“

“yes.” lucy replies “yes, i-i’m interested. i don’t deserve a second chance but please, i’ll take it.”

“can i kiss you?” kara asks quietly.

“yes.” lucy breathes.

she closes her eyes as she feels kara’s hands cupping her jaw. lucy lets her hands come to kara’s waist and she takes a step closer, pressing their bodies together.

“i’m sorry.” lucy murmurs as they break the kiss “for leaving.”

kara kisses lucy’s jaw “i forgive you.” she says “i – i’m not over it, but i want to be. i will be.”

“you don’t have to be ever.” lucy says “i hurt you badly, i broke your trust. i broke your heart. that isn’t easy to recover from. i don’t expect you to recover quickly.”

“we’ll go slow.” kara says “we’ll communicate more, about how we feel, about what we want professionally and personally.”

“i can do that.” lucy says “we can do that.” kara looks breath taking, deep blue eyes and infinite strength, all softened for lucy “can i kiss you again?” she asks.

“you may.” kara hums, her fingers tangling in lucy’s, feeling lighter than she has in thirteen months.

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this is it folks, the end. 
> 
> thank you to everyone who came on this ride with me. everyone who commented and kudo-d who reblogged on tumblr. all of your support has made posting this story an amazing experience. see you at the next one.

**Author's Note:**

> hallo one and all and welcome to the thunderdome. 
> 
> this story is one i have wanted to write for a very, very long time. the idea has been sitting in my brain for a year or more and i've talked it through with countless people, never thinking i would ever actually write it. yet, sometime last week, when i realised i had three exams and a thirty minute presentation coming up, the story sprung forth. i can tell you as well that it did not turn how i thought it would. however i am so pleased with how it shaped out. 
> 
> i have written the entirety of this story prior to posting the prologue here, there are nine more chapters for me to post. more than likely the will be up in the next week or so, that said i'm working the next seven days in a row so forgive me if the updates are not speedy. 
> 
> last of all, my infinite thanks to bathtimefunduck who like to remind me of two things: 1) i am a dick and 2) my spelling is atrocious. i could not have written this without you.


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